Using the cane more

Dear family and friends,

The main event of the day was using the cane more and going to RSNS (our Reconstructionist Synagogue, which is about as far left as one can go without joining the Unitarians or dropping organized religion altogether). This was my first trip with someone other than Merwin, and Ilona was an ideal person to be the first because she is so careful and caring. I took a pillow, which she carried in for me, and I walked from the curb to the library where we older women help prepare the RSNS newsletter for mailing. We enjoy each other's company and talk about anything that's on our minds. Many of us are the ones who come to the monthly First Friday lunch gathering at the Jolly Fisherman.

Florence took me home, and Ilona took Gladys home. Florence lives right around the corner from me.

The rest of the day was taken up by resting. Fatigue set in in a big way. This is the down side of the prednisone taper, I imagine. This is how I felt last summer before I started on that med, first to go with the thalidomide, and then to counter the pneumonia, and finally to taper. Perhaps I should not have, but I also stopped the codeine and turned to plain Tylenol for pain. So pain is a factor also.

The worst news of the day came from Uncle Joe, who called to say that our nephew Paul had had a bad fall and was in the hospital. Paul and I have been tracking each other because while I am recuperating from my fall, he is recuperating from surgery on veins of his leg which have given him such intense grief that he had to go the surgery route. He evidently took a bad step, fell and broke through the stitches. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and we don't even know which one. We left a message for his wife, Gail, but have not heard anything more.

We also phoned Phyllis who has been home for a few days. She sounds very weak, but it is so good to know she is well taken care of at home. She is very happy with her doc, whom they had just visited before our call.

So all the news today is medical unfortunately. Better news tomorrow, I hope.

Love to all,
Bernice

Out and about

Dear family and friends,

We went to see Alice in Wonderland yesterday at Roosevelt Field because we wanted to catch it in 3-D, and it had already disappeared (Ha! fittingly for this film) from almost every local theater. Merwin also bought tickets in Port Washington for the next HD opera, because our favorite theater with stadium seating had sold out. For Alice, not knowing the terrain, I took the wheelie. At 2 p.m., we were the only viewers in this huge auditorium, one of 10 separate theaters, and I bet some of then had no one there. Merwin gave the film an 8, and I gave it a 6. The filmmakers introduced a back (or front) story of a grown-up Alice, in a very contrived situation, a very sketchy bit about a very young Alice and and Alice almost 20. Then the Lewis Carroll part was also less than wonderful. Too much Mad Hatter, too much fighting, and no "Why, You're just a pack of cards!” at the end, though indeed the evil red queen's fighters did look like cards. And then there was a lover for her as well. Much missing, much added, and altogether less rather than more.

Soon after we returned home, Bill, the physical therapist, came, and we went for a long walk—me with the cane—all the way around our little block, with a slight hill up and down. He says I am doing very well, that I should use the cane as much as possible, falling back (no scratch that, no falling) on the walker only when I am in a precarious position, as I would be in a crowd, either in a theater or a on a NYC street. I will have two more sessions with him, he said. I better write a list of questions!

Rick came over for supper soon after the News Hour, and I sort of cobbled things together: soup, stuffed noodles, green veggies, salad, fruit. While we were eating, I became more and more tired, and finally excused myself to go to sleep. Second day in a row that we had company and I had to get in bed. It was great seeing Rick, however, and we heard about his plans for a book this summer, and as much more as we could fit into about 90 minutes. A joy to have him with us, of course. He's like another son.

A little tidying up of files and that's about all that's new so far.

Love,
Bernice

Chicago , Dec. 2009

Dear family and friends,

I was trying to do something fancy, placing Michelle, at the left, Michelle and Rachael in the middle, and Rachael on the right. It did not turn out as I planned. I need another tutorial from Dave.

Yesterday I used my cane quite a lot. I am getting the hang of it I think. Unlike the walker (my wheelie), which is hard to lose, the cane disappears easily if I forget where I lean it. I think I need Merwin to cut down a few canes for me, to scatter around the house. We have all the canes used by various people, mother, father, uncle. It may be a few weeks before I can walk cane-free. I am hoping that by the time the Hamlet team has its summit meeting here in June, I will be entirely mended.

Yesterday Merwin left me off at my dentist's office, where I was greeted with hugs and kisses by Yvonne, the dental hygienist, and smiles all around by these loving people. I had three cavities but no pain, so it was for me a call about whether or not to proceed. I had Dr. G. do one, and it went well. I had been scheduled for this visit on the very day of my fall on the sidewalk, March 16th, so it is long overdo, and I am lucky I did not get to the hurting stage.

My bloods came out amazingly improved. Well at least the WBC were much lower—18.1—the norm is 4-11, so that is an enormous improvement over the 160 that it has been. The platelets were low, 46 (norm 150-450), but only a little worse than before. My hem. told me to lower the HU from 1500/day to 1000. Every week an adventure with the blood. The prednisone taper is having its effect, I can tell. I am much less energetic. When our friends were here for breakfast yesterday, I had to excuse myself and go lie down after about 90 minutes. That hasn't happened for a while. I love the energy prednisone gives, but I dread the down side of muscle weakness, and I really would love to stop looking like a chipmunk. The good with the bad; the bad with the good.

Later we went to our "free" movie: a perk of the triple Optimum package we bought. I used the cane to get into the movie theater, but also Merwin's arm, because the aisle was rather steeply sloped. We saw "Oceans," which was like a PBS special really, but beautiful to see on the large screen. It was full of wonders but short on solutions to the problems of dying oceans. Mostly it was something lovely to watch.

This morning, I started out with a ride on my stationery bike. I can do about 12 minutes without difficulty, and probably more if I want to. I had Merwin stand by while I used my P.T.'s technique for mounting and dismounting. It's a matter again of which foot to raise first (good UP, bad DOWN) and how to turn my body to position my rear end over the seat. I also have to use a foot to push away the stool which allows me to get on the bike and then hook the stool back into position with a foot to descend. I feel confident now that I can do it now on my own.

Notice there's nothing about work in the blog. I wrote and read a little email related to work, but not much. More today I hope.

Love to all,
Bernice

Company is fun

Herb Coursen and I, at some conference or other, sometime in the '90s, I think. You'll notice my trademark stockings. Herb has been a friend for a long time, as long as I have been involved with Shakespeare on film, and it is good to have his photo on my blog. As usual, click on the photo to enlarge it, and use the back arrow to return to normal.

Dear family and friends,

Rainy days continue. Blood drawn as usual. I think I could now go to the hem's office for the blood draw and will ask about that today. When Bill, the P.T. from Visiting Nurses came, he said he could not order the aluminum cane for me after all because Medicare wouldn't cover it. I am not sure why, but it seems difficult to order items on one's own. They cost only about $15. But we have a plethora of canes, used by parents and uncles, and Bill liked a sturdy wooden one that Merwin could saw down for me, replacing the rubber tip at the bottom. So I am going to be trying that more. It will help me get around outdoors. We'll try that today when I go to the dentist.

Dear friends, the Dzens, will be coming for a brunch/breakfast later. I am going to try David Ehre's pancake again. The process will be smoother this time than it was on Sat. because I will get the few ingredients ready on the counter. The side dishes will be fruit, yogurt, coffee of course. Yesterday, Harris and Evelyn came: they are so much fun, and we had a lovely brunch with my favorites, lox and bagels. We are looking forward to theater with them, probably next season since this season is already at an end.

About Herb: At a conference at Bowdoin College in Maine, Herb invited the conferees to his home for a party. I admired his sense of humor there. A prolific writer in many genres, Herb had a lamp with a large shade on which were plastered rejection letters from many venues, pride of place being given to The New Yorker. What a happy sense of humor he has.

When my sister became a physicist she had no idea that she would be collaborating with physicists and technicians from all over the world, in many venues. For her PhD project at Cornell University (where Hans Bethe and many other stars were her mentors) she built a lone experiment deep under ground, in a tunnel through which a stream ran. (I, a teenager then, remember mainly the spider webs and the wooden structures she had built herself.) She was studying particles that could get through the thick layer between her and the firmament. She envisioned herself as being a solitary worker in the field. Never happened. Experiments in nuclear physics demanded collaborations of hundreds of people at times.

Similarly, with studies in English literature. I had no idea how much of my work would be collaborative, like the Shakespeare in Film Newsletter that Ken and I started (1976-1992); like the ongoing website hamletworks.org, the joy of my life; like editing with Laury, such a great opportunity for closeness; like sharing writing and ideas about teaching and writing with my writing group. Yes, there is some work that I do alone, but the collaborative part sharpens my mind as it forces me to elicit the opinions of others.

I am truly blessed in my friends, those who came with the Shakespeare life, and those who come from a wide variety of interests and fields.

Love to all,
Bernice

Anticipating sunny days

Oh how young we all were! I think this photo was taken around 1980 in the Glen Cove apartment of Merwin's mother, Mina (aka Nana), who of course has a tape measure handy because she was always, after her retirement of about 50 years as an X-Ray technician, crafting or sewing or baking: busy constantly, generous with her makings. She was lovely in every way, a joyful person almost always. To her right is our dear daughter-in-law Sandy, married to Harvey, very much like her grandmother-in-law. That's me and Merwin to her left. Click on the photo to enlarge it; use the back arrow to return to the smaller size.

Dear Family and friends,

Although the weather continues to be dreary, we are anticipating the sunshine—and we decided to go for an umbrella for the deck rather than an awning. We could have made the decision in about two minutes: color, size, base style, accessories, but the salesman wanted to brag about his product and all its special features: "We have two gizmos; the other guys have only one.” Our umbrella will never . . . .” “The stand will always . . . .” One has to indulge a proud salesman. He popped the whole set into the car, and before the sun returns to Glen Head, Merwin will get someone to bring the base to the deck (it weighs 70 lbs: “Or base is the sturdiest in the field.”

The rest of the day was spent eating leftovers, reading the Sunday NYT, sending cards to friends who are ill, and writing checks to people to whom we owe money, having phone conversations with family, and working on the review of Measure for Measure. I have lots of notes taken after seeing the TFANA production, and as I weave these together with my thoughts about the play as I understand it, my ideas become shapely and interesting to me: that is, I learn what I think in the process of writing—a nice feature of being a literary critic. Harvey reminded us of Alfred Hitchcock who had so worked out the details of his films that the actual process of filming bored him. Not me. I do want to be finished, though, so Laury and I can go on with our work together on Measure. I am hoping that can happen today. But the first thing that happens is rereading what I wrote yesterday, refining (I hope), changing (not too much), developing skimpy ideas.

I tapered the prednisone today, now down to 25 mg./per day. I am feeling more confident than I have been before about the tapering. My breath seems pretty good. (I have to be watchful of the pneumonia recurring.) No cane yet; when I get it I think I will be more confident about moving about outside. I have plans!

Love to all,
Bernice

Rainy day, large black birds at the bird feeder

This is a group photo of the spinathon that I could not attend a few weeks ago. I had been hoping to go to the first session, at the JCC (the spinners bus from one gym to another, with yummy refreshments by Randi and raffles on the way), but the pelvis break happened just before it was scheduled. Some of the folks in the photo are my lovely warm friends in the spin classes I attend. They have meant a lot to me. If you click on the photo, you can enlarge it and then return to the small size by using the back arrow at the top.

Dear family and friends,

Though the skies are grey, this study of mine is bathed in light from the many windows and skylights. If one has to be laid up, as it were, there is no better place to be. We have been looking into an awning to shield the deck just outside the study to make it usable in the high summer days. After getting a thorough description and price from a Sea Cliff entrepreneur and incidental comedian, we decided we would make do with an umbrella that could be moved around to create shade where we need it. About 1/10 the price. We may sally out this morning to see what we can find in local patio stores—and do our bit for the economy without breaking our bank.

Laury came for a brief visit in the morning. Harvey arrived a little later, about 10:30 a.m., bringing goodies from Costco. Both Harvey and Laury sampled my breakfast omelet: asparagus, eggbeaters, and cheese. I make enough for 4 people because it is good hot off the frying pan or later, cooled or reheated in a sandwich. Our granddaughter Michelle arrived about two hours later.

I cannot say that my meals were very successful. For lunch we had pesto over strips of zucchini and chopped leeks in lieu of pasta. The problem was I used too much pesto for the amount of vegetables. I ate it happily enough, but I was aware that it wasn't my best effort. We had numerous side dishes as well. So the upshot was that we didn't have a real dinner: instead we had David Eyre's pancake (those of you over 60 may recall this recipe, which was repeated in the Times recently). I have proud memories of walking in the door after a theater excursion in NYC and making this for guests in about 30 minutes, from start to finish. I no longer had the proper sized iron pan and so had to adjust the recipe for the larger pan I bought. Merwin seasoned it the other day. I'll append the recipe below. Easy and spectacular. Harvey, who had his new iPad and cameras, took photos of the last steps.

We spent the day chatting. We even had an iChat with our Cleveland Mahatunim. Lee could not get out of bed this time, but we conveyed our good wishes. Murray, our Mahouten, looks exhausted, as does our daughter-in-law Sandy, her sister and brother. Thank God for Medicare, which provides hospice care. It's so good that the whole nuclear family can be together.

I regaled Michelle with stories of some of my unsuccessful job interviews: I can laugh about them now, but of course they were painful then. All turned out for the best, I am sure, even though my career took a path into Nassau Community College rather than into a university. I would not have in my life some of the dearest, closest friends I have if we had not met at NCC. I told Michelle about coming to the waiting room for interviewees for the one and only position for a medievalist in the NYC area and seeing that the search committee was doing the affirmative action dance: an African American man, a Chinese man, and me, the middle-aged Jewish woman were waiting for the interviews. I had a great interview, expressing my enthusiasm. The interviewers seemed enthusiastic too. But walking out of there, I just knew I had not gotten the job: I went to the store and bought a 1/2 gallon of butternut ice cream and ate the whole thing. All that seems so long ago and far away. Rejections continue, one way and another, even in the relatively benign world of Shakespeare studies, but I try very hard to concentrate on the positive, including my own joy in the work—whether teaching, for which I had a deep commitment and passion, or the academic work of learning, reading, writing, speaking.

I had the pleasure this morning of making Merwin happy with delicious (he said) French Toast. And my plan today is to get as far as possible through the Measure for Measure review. Tomorrow I will try to get photos from the theater.

Love to all,
Come see us!

Bernice


David Eyre's Pancake

Preheat oven to 425

Mix together 2 eggs, 1/2 C flour, 1/2 C milk, and
1 T sugar (I cheated a little a used about 3/4 T).
Strain into a second bowl if you have lumps.

Near the end of the preheating, put a 12" iron skillet into the oven to melt the butter. Tip the pan to get the butter to spread over the bottom of the pan.

Pour the batter into the pan and put on the timer for 20 minutes. Bake until the pancake puffs up. If you have an oven light and window, you can entertain your guests and yourself by watching the puffs appear.

While waiting, squeeze the juice from one to two lemons, depending on how tart you want the pancake, and place about a T of confectionery sugar in a little strainer.

When the pancake is thoroughly puffed and tan, remove from oven and sprinkle the top with juice and sugar. It will deflate immediately. Cut into quarters and serve on warm plates. Strawberries on the side work well.

Big Shop

This is a photo taken, I think, at Fairleigh Dickinson University in the late '70s. On the right is Harry Keyishian. I am on his right, and on my right is, I think, Joan Mellen. Harry is clearing out his files, having retired recently. We were having a panel discussion either of Kurosawa's film based on Macbeth (Throne of Blood) or on Kozintsev's film based on Hamlet.

Dear family and friends,

Merwin persuaded me to go shopping with him; he is a tunnel-vision shopper, looking for the items on his list and rarely noticing anything else. I am a rotating-radar shopper, looking at everything, choosing many things not on my list. Our cupboards are now full! Still there are some other items that Harvey will bring with him this morning from his local Costco in CT, and we have to go back today to North Shore Farms for zucchini, which Costco didn't have. It's endless.

I got the Chinese noodles for the spinach salad recipe from Phoebe, but could not find the canned mandarin oranges she had listed. So I peeled, seeded and cut up a small tangelo. Our lunch guest, Jay, who has had the mandarin oranges, said that the fresh fruit was far better: less sweet, more delicious. We also had for lunch potato curry, a recipe one of my sister's PhD candidates in physics gave her years and years ago: Was his name Koechek? There is no one I can ask. That's what death does: ask questions early and often.

His recipe is simple and delicious:

Saute cut up vegetables in olive oil:
2 big peeled potatoes
2 large onions
2 big bell peppers (I used red)
1 t or more curry powder
cumin to taste
red pepper if desired
Add water as needed to keep the veggies from sticking.
After this has cooked down a bit, add 1/4 lb sauteed mushrooms: I used a mixed blend of exotics.

Jay brought with him from the City a huge bouquet of lilacs, which are filling the house with their intense fragrance.

The working part of the day was short, but I spent it choosing and preparing illustrations for my essay. Merwin is a big help with that, scanning images carefully.

We spoke to a number of friends and family on the phone of course—Phyllis is getting better and may be going to her home (Tucson) on Monday, with the full panoply of helpers and helping equipment.Lots to look forward to today with son Harvey arriving from CT, and his daughter Michelle from NYC. We are cooking!

Love to all,
Bernice

Short blog

This is a recent photo at Planting Fields of Grant, the son of a long-time friend, Dan, with whom along with others, I used to go running every Sunday. We had some fun times together. Dan is a fine photographer.






Dear family and friends,

Nothing much happening here: we are still looking into the options for deck shade. The sun is fine now but by June will be unbearable. Bill, the visiting nurse/ physical therapist came and put me through my paces: another 5 minutes on the stationery bike, much walking with the cane including down and up the stairs leading to the cellar, finally through two hard exercises with my right leg against the resistance of his hand. I think these hurt a little too much, but he doesn't seem to think so. As long as the pain is not a 9 or 10, I should be able to bear it, he implies. OK, this will get me stronger, so I will do it. He will continue to come for a while, it seems. I should have my new cane today and will practice for his next visit next Monday.

After work, Lincoln came over with videos of him in costume at the last con he went to, with of course a lot of other people. He has a good time with this group. He and a group of like-minded friends will be gathering outside Grand Central Station sometime this weekend. He helped me a little with my new email program, so inferior, IMOHO to the no-longer-monitored Eudora. But right in the midst of learning a few things, I had a wash of fatigue and had to go to bed. Fatigue is definitely a factor in my progress, both physical and mental, but I still am smiling.

Sophie sent over her delicious spinach pie and mashed potatoes. Dawn, who will visit this afternoon after her classes, and I will have this for supper tonight. Thanks, Sophie!

Love to all,
Bernice

Progress: outings more ordinary

Dear family and friends,

The drop in prednisone is having its overt effects; let's hope the ones I can't see are also working well. Overtly: more fatigue, the whole morning spent feeling spent. But also a little shadow of cheekbones, lessening but not eliminating the chipmunk look that prednisone causes. Amazing what a drop in just 2.5 mg a day can do. Today I am dealing with the fatigue by taking the prednisone in the middle of the night as I had been doing at the larger doses 40 -30: that's when I don't mind feeling the fatigue, which sets in pretty quickly after I take the dose of 27.5 mg. with a little something to eat as well. Have to take it with food.

I am awaiting the arrival of my cane this afternoon, which Bill is bringing me. I will definitely keep the walkers, however (thanks again, Elaine and Ernie). I feel secure with them, and the cane does not feel secure at all. Yesterday we took a lovely ride through the back wooded, flowery lanes to Locust Valley to see about getting an retractable awning for the deck, which gets full sun from now till late in the afternoon. The owner of the shop, actually mostly a fireplace and grill equipment shop, is coming this afternoon to measure. From the photos the gadget doesn't seem to get the shade where we need it. Any ideas out there? I got in and out of the car OK and used the walker, of course.

Later in the day , after deep naps, we finally took advantage of our "free" movie tickets to go to see Training a Dragon in 3D. We are allowed to go free on Tuesdays only, to a Clearview Theater, courtesy of our trifecta Optonline plan. I liked it, but it would have been better going with young grandchildren (our youngest is now 23). We have to borrow some youngsters.

Two naps and two outings led to a late bedtime and wakefulness during the night. But I was a little more comfortable in the bed than I have been up to now. We (Merwin and Dave) moved the recliner into the bedroom, as an alternative if the bed gets too difficult. But I managed the bed all night. The pain persists in spite of very strong pain meds. But it is bearable, as long as I am fairly certain I am not actually damaging myself or slowing my recovery.

The tool Betty got that helps me lift the limp almost useless right leg is helping me a lot. Thank you, Betty!

Our son Lincoln is a great fan of animation and is coming tonight for dinner. He'll also help me make my email program work. He's a whiz. Not much work being accomplished here. Fortunately, my hamletworks.org project allows me to dive in and out of tasks for even a few minutes at a time. Ideal for many occasions, especially now. And I will return to it now and then all day.

Love to all,
Come visit!
Write soon!

Bernice

Advances on many fronts

Vaughan with her children Anton, Amy, Marisa
c. 2007

Dear family and friends,

A couple of big advances today. Bill brought in his cane and suggested I try to use it to walk down the few front steps. Once I was down the steps and the short path to the street, he asked if I would be willing to walk on the road, which I did—all the way to the corner. He walks behind me and keeps his hand poised near my back, which gives me a feeling of security. Like any good instructor, he praises my progress. I had a question for him: could I try my stationary bicycle sometime? Why not now, was his answer. He called for a stool (up with the good leg) to start me up, then helped me position myself on it. The handles of this machine work back and forth as one pedals. He had me going for about 7 minutes, I think, starting at 2 minutes, then suggesting I try a couple more. I think he is getting ready to let me go. Am I ready! He will bring my new cane on Wed., and I bet he will say this is the end: keep on doing the exercises, the bicycle, the walking. I am still in quite a lot of pain. Today I went to a stronger dose. But pain is not the issue. I suppose I have to let him go.

I also slept the whole night in my bed. First time in over a month. Good and bad. It's hard to turn, and even in one position, the right thigh begins to ache (#4 or so). I did not sleep well, but I think I am going to continue to use the bed, though with the sheets for the recliner at the ready in case.

Sophie came for a visit, and we enjoyed a lot of chatting.

No cooking today: all leftovers.

Measure for Measure has to simmer for a few days. Today I worked on the web site and am proud of myself for inserting some good (I hope) new directions on how to use it. If you want to see, go to http://hamletworks.org to the section called Introduction (list at left of screen) and once there go to the 3rd ¶. Let me know if it is clear to you. Jeffery praised it, and that is good news indeed. He then improved the HELP PAGES (3rd on list to left) dramatically: Beautiful, Jeffery! All this was inspired by Jesús's insightful comments when we worked together here early in April. Thank you, Jesús!

Love to all,
Bernice

Social butterflying

Dear family and friends,

I am late writing today because I wanted to add a photo, and Merwin kindly scanned several for me, which I will append during the next week or so. Here is one of my dear friend Vaughan’s daughter Amy with her sister’s (Marisa’s) children: Audrey (in highchair) and Leah (helping prepare food). Good news recently came from this family: Amy's son Peter has decided to go to NYU this coming fall (he was accepted at a multitude of fine universities), and Vaughan will come to NYC when Amy comes to set him up. Amy, whose home is in Berkeley, has a gorgeous apartment in NYC (it belonged to her grandparents, Vaughan’s in-laws)—and if all goes well with me I will have another chance to see Vaughan, who now lives in San Diego. The last time I saw Vaughan, Marisa, Amy and others in their family in NYC, I was at a pretty low point. I thought it would probably be the last time I would see this family, all so dear to me. Now I have hope that I will see them again. In any case, it's such a joy to look forward to that.

Last night was a big outing for me: I keep on making advances in my healing and my bravery too. We went to our synagogue's annual cooperative dinner, skipping the part where everyone meets at RSNS for appetizers, drinks, and a raffle: too crowded, too many hours being up and about. Instead we went directly to the lovely home of Debbie and Joe, where we had the cooperative part of the dinner. I recognized several people, knew a few by name, including our beloved, bright, and slightly eccentric rabbi, who provided some mellow cocktails. A lovely time was had by all. The dinner was excellent, and the talk was even better.

I barely got out of our house in time for the above outing because I was totally engaged in the process of making corrections in the Enfolded Hamlet (my invention) that Jesús, in the process of preparing his modernized Enfolded Hamlet, had suggested I need. What an eagle eye! I got into a real mare's nest, and finally had to leave one record uncorrected. So of course when we came home, late, I had to go directly to the computer to figure out a way to make this particular correction. Done in minutes, thank goodness, because I thought of a shortcut. Then early this morning I sent my team a list of the corrections I had made for them and me, some more that our wonderful web master, Jeffery, will have to show me how to do or do himself, and a few that the guys will do for their sections.

Today we had another RSNS outing for an art show by Ilona, one of the regulars of the group who lunch monthly at the Jolly Fisherman. Getting in and out of the car is getting much easier. Since Merwin and I went early so I could wheel around without impediments and see everything easily before crowds gathered, we had the display area to ourselves. Mellow paintings: we put our name on two. Merwin said, "Why buy paintings? We still have many sitting on the floor and hidden behind the couches because we have no room for them.” But Ilona's are small and peaceful. I know just where I would like to put them. Anyway, reason not the need.

Just heard from our son Arthur and his son Daniel, our only grandson. What a pleasure to share some words with our guys.

Love to all,
Bernice

Steady Progress

Dear family and friends,

Surprise! the day was spent continuing with Shakespeare work, telephone chats with friends and family, preparing and eating food, especially the latter. I am coddling myself by telling myself that I can follow my desires, eat as much as I please, and get in control later. My main goal now is to get stronger every day, and I think that is working. I walk better, and in general move around more easily. Still can't turn in bed, so the recliner remains my bed of choice.

Bill, the visiting nurse cum physical therapist, came yesterday with the cane with four feet and a regular cane. He says I may have whichever one I want but clearly thinks it is better for me to use a regular cane. He thinks that in two weeks I would be finished with the 4-footer, and so should get used to the regular one now. I am an obedient patient, and practiced yesterday with the regular cane, walking all over the place, including up the four stairs to the bedroom, with him right behind me. He also gave me two new more difficult exercises. Pain while walking with the cane was at level 4-5, but nothing unbearable. The pain, in general, persists in spite of 2-3 pain pills a day. I could take 4 a day but try to keep to a minimum, 2 if possible. As long as I know I am not damaging anything, I am OK with the pain that is a necessary part of the process. I don't feel it when I am totally at rest, sitting or lying down.

One of the main joys of the day was gazing outside where eveything is burgeoning. The flowers seem brighter in the rain, and the birds come constantly to the feeder that I can see from this vantage point. Merwin planted my favorites, Lilies of the Valley, that Toby had brought for others in the writing group who forgot them here. We have never had any luck with this flower, which for me is also a memento of my niece and sister. Maybe this group of plants will take. It's supposed to be invasive and hardy: not for us so far.

The flowers inside are also a delight. The tulips Louise brought me days ago are fading beautifully and gracefully. I wish I had a camera; I have never seen anything like the way they are going, the whole mass still perfectly (though differently) arranged, the colors muted. The orchid that Sophie and Brendan sent is blooming lavishly. It began with perhaps 4 blooms and many buds along the stems, and now these are opening one by one. It's amazing.

The day's main meal was from a recipe by Bittman, which Louise recommended. A local pizza shop, Abeetza Pizza in Greenvale, makes its own pasta, and it was the only shop around with the pasta Bittman recommended, perciatelli, a long fat hollow pasta. Because it's fresh, it cooks properly in about 3 minutes in boiling water. The surprise ingredient is sardines in olive oil. Bittman doesn't call for grated cheese, but we like cheese on everything pasta. You can find it at http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/an-easy-pantry-dinner/. This was a fun recipe, put together in about 15 minutes, most of it prepared ahead of time. For the first time I used the lemon zester Dave gave me; before this either he or Merwin had done the zesting. It is sooo easy with this non-lethal instrument, so unlike the box grater in which most of the zest remains pasted. This lovely instrument, shaped like a long knife, is called MICROPLANE zester/grater. Dave got it at Crate&Barrel.

After some further phone conversations with family members—sons and granddaughter Michelle last night (the latter an especial delight)—Merwin and I ended the evening with Bill Maher. He had a terrific panel (all liberals) and Bill was as outrageous as usual, with pointed, punchy comments about conditions today. It's refreshing to hear him and his intelligent guests—not always or even often all liberals. He had Jesse Ventura as the guest last night, and I was surprised at the attractive energy this man exuded. He is so sure he is right; he KNOWS the truth. His truth isn't my truth, but I had to admire his power. I understand now why he was elected governor of Minnesota, a major state, winning against the candidates of the major political parties. That doesn't usually happen in the US of A. Almost never.

Looks like another rainy day today, but we will be going out to the RSNS cooperative dinner tonight. We are bringing a Youngs Farm strawberry-rhubarb pie, and we ordered an extra one to put in our freezer. I want to begin to feel more secure when I am on the move outside the house—that will come with practice, I know. It's a challenge to go to the home of someone I don't know. But I like little challenges along with some big ones.

Love to all,
Bernice

Writing group highlights

Dear family and friends,

Merwin opened the wonderful cornucopia of gifts from Betty; wow, what a wonderful, thoughtful, useful present. She has been somewhat physically disabled because of her condition, and she sent me tools to cope with the sorts of problems she has had, which I have had also. For example, there is a gadget that helps a person pull up his socks. That's something I can't do now on my own. There are grabbers to pick up things out of reach, and all sorts of other tools for all sorts of purposes. I will be playing with these every day. I am constantly dropping things on the floor, and I can't bend over easily to get them. It's the bone, but it's also the spleen that gets in my way. It is humongous.

I didn't have time to examine each and every item because I was expecting 7 members of the writing group to be here in the afternoon. Merwin helped enormously of course, and we tried to make things easy for him by using plastic, even for the wine, which we drank abundantly through the afternoon and evening. We started reading our writing aloud after we had all gathered. Before then, those who came earlier got a tour of the backyard from Merwin and we just had fun catching up. I had spent the hours before the group gathered beginning to write a part of the introduction to Measure for Measure for the Focus edition. I got about a page done. And of course it has to be revised, but getting a start always feels good.

Joe read first: he is working on a long work that we have been following for months, and he has found a way to express the multitude of voices in his cast of characters. Truly impressive and exciting. Anna read her review of Beverly Jensen's posthumous novel Sisters from Hardscrabble Bay, due to be published this month. [See http://www.beverlyjensen.net/]. Jay (to whom Beverly was married) was not with us yesterday, but I think he will be very pleased with Anna’s review. She did a great job of teasing the interest of the readers of the East End Long Island magazine for which she writes.

Kathryn read freewriting she wrote for her class, which was studying The Glass Menagerie. Each freewrite focused on one of the three characters and his or her relation to herself. Of course, since we are all, or all were, teachers, we appreciated the way the freewrite topic would engage the students' interest. Kathryn is such a good writer that she hesitates to read her own writing to the class, though she writes while they are writing. We urged her to let them hear how she does it; they cannot help but learn from her example. Joe feels this Ponsot method of writing and reading the writing in class, teachers and students alike, is key to his success in the classroom. Kathryn is such a fine writer; she may feel her writing would intimidate her students. Since reading aloud eliminates all perception of graphic errors, it can be empowering for students.

Next I read my short intro to Measure and though several do not know the play or know it well, they were interested. Kathryn made a face when she said the word "Duke." Several people thought we should gather together some evening to read the play aloud with each taking on a role or two. We can do that, perhaps, after the edition comes out, which should be in the fall, perhaps. Joe mentioned seeing Meryl Streep as Isabella in the Park. How wonderful she was in those early days. How great still. But in those days, we saw her at the Public Theater and sat perhaps 20 feet from where she was being superb on stage. Wonderful memories.

Meta then read also in a way about teaching, about the adolescent as a newish category of young adult, or what would have been an young adult in time past, and the effect of this empty stage of life on the classroom. Toby, who has just become a grandparent of Bryan, newly adopted by her son Eric and his spouse Derek (they live in Massachusetts and are married), showed us photos of the newborn, each daddy feeding newborn Bryan in turn. What a procedure, though, to adopt from a state that does not recognize Gay marriage, in this case Utah, and arranged by an agency in Texas.

Hedda read a draft of a talk she will give on multiculturalism in the college. It was a powerful declaration of the magnificent things she does with and for her students' intellectual development in the classroom and the enormous deficits in her students' knowledge and training that she and tehy have to deal with. Pow! Go Hedda. Then Barbara, who had asked to be last, read. It was about a particular student but meshed perfectly with Hedda's piece. I was in tears by the end.

Merwin had popped his head in now and then to see what was happening. Somewhere near the end of the session also our granddaughter Michelle called, and I turned the phone over to him. We'll both talk to her in more detail this evening. Though we had been snacking throughout the readings (wonderful cheeses, guacamole of sorts, fresh fruit, wine) we turned eagerly enough to the table for the pot luck supper: salmon, stuffed shells, salads, vegetables, bread, more wine, and we ended with coffee and an array of delicious desserts. A fine time was had by all: we do love and admire each other. Everyone (except me) pitched in to present the food and then to clear the table.

And so to bed, still in my recliner. The scale showed a 2.5 lb. gain this morning. Every day it goes up. I am going to have to start to be careful—someday soon.

Love to all,
Bernice

Talking to friends and family

Dear family and friends,

Yesterday's special event was a visit from our cousin Sylvia, who brought loads of family photos from her recent visits to Israel. She battled 2 hours of traffic to get here in mid day from Brooklyn. It can't be more than 30 miles away. While she was here, Rachael found time during her brief lunch hour to phone. She and Michelle will come together when Rachael finishes her current gig. The plan is to cook together! Nice. I am always up for that. I told Rachael a story that makes me laugh. After my friend Phe visited the other day, she had an appointment with the same physical therapist I had been going to, so Phe mentioned to Beverly, the receptionist, and Vicky, the therapist, that she had been visiting me. You may recall that it was in front of that very office that a raised bit of sidewalk flew up and bit me, leaving me in a heap with a broken pelvis. When Beverly and Vicky came out in response to my calls for help, they called for an ambulance, but while we were waiting, I reached into my purse and said, “Wait a minute! Beverly! Here take the Irish Soda Bread I brought for you guys!" Beverly told this story to Phe, who called me later and told it to me. I laughed and laughed. Of course, since it was March 16th, I would think of bringing soda bread, warm from Waldbaum's, and because I knew I was going to the hospital, I didn't want to take it with me. When you think of it, how badly could I have been hurting if I could think of soda bread?

Merwin took Ruth to the Philharmonic in the evening: I just can't manage such a trip yet. When I am comfortable with a cane and feel less vulnerable, I will try an event. The first one coming up is Ilona's art show at RSNS, which is in the neighborhood really. I am a little afraid of being bumped in a crowd—and overturned. But Ilona is going to have a chair ready for me a little away from the crush. She is such a dear, considerate person.

The rest of the day was spent as usual, but I also did a lot of tidying up. I love neatness and order but seldom get everything together. My work gets piled up here and there. Right now, I can look at my work table, bare except for the recent copy of SQ, and everything pretty much in order all around, except for this desk where I am sitting.

A good day shaping up today.

Love,
Bernice

Days speed by

Dear family and friends,

Everything is about the same, with the minor differences that make for a textured life. So what was different about yesterday? Today I plunged right into my seminar paper for the Shakespeare meeting (that I assume was not discussed there because I was absent and the eight remaining papers were plenty to cover in two hours: absentees out of the picture). Now I am turning to the blog, which I ordinarily do first.

I had a nice long chat with my dear Dr. K, who has been on a much needed vacation with her family in Can Cun (is that how it's spelled?). The WBC has gone down, but so have the platelets: the one should be much lower and the other much higher. So I have a change in meds for a few days. But I convinced her that I should not taper the prednisone this week. The lesser dose is already contributing to fatigue. I can stay on 30 mg/day for another week. And so it goes. I have to take more antibiotic to go with the taper, to, we hope, prevent another pneumonia from developing. Standard stuff; I am used to it.

I had the pleasure of examining carefully a book I felt I should have for the At Sea paper. I like it very much because the author, Josephine A. Roberts, summarizes many many essays about Richard II but without introducing her own opinion: she expresses each author's opinions. I read everything she had related to At Sea (Richard II was another play supposedly performed at sea). She covers the ground beautifully and makes it possible for anyone reading my essay who has her book to follow my argument, but the entries are scattered all over the 2nd volume. In my paper I now have listed her relevant entries; otherwise it would be difficult for those who don't know the major players to find the useful summaries. As I went along I found that she had summarized an essay I had written that included Richard II: on the Hallmark Hall of Fame series with Maurice Evans in the 1950s. I was very pleased with her very full summary, and having read the relevant At Sea essays as well, I also thought she did a good job of capturing the writers' intentions. Good job Prof. Roberts!

Late in the day, Bill, the Visiting Nurse came. Most of our work consisted of my practicing with the 4-pronged cane, which he cannot get for me because Medicare won't pay for it. I would be using it only for a month, perhaps, so it does not seem economical to buy one ourselves. He is going to get me an ordinary cane, which I can try when I feel steadier. He had me walk all over the place yesterday with his cane. I mentioned that I wanted to get to the cellar to see what we have in the freezer, and we used it to go down the whole set of stairs, and then he had me walk around more on the living room level, and up to the bedroom where we showed him the fantastic walker that Elaine had brought me the day before. He adjusted the handles for us and showed us how its basket fits in. I was exhausted, but he said I am doing very well. I think he is pointing the way to the conclusion of his visits: that will happen when I can comfortably and safely maneuver my way with the cane's help throughout the house and into the outside areas and the car. That seems a long way off.

I succeeded last night in getting into the bed and slept there for about 2 hours, but finally I could not move without pain and returned to my friendly recliner in the study. My study is getting tidier every day, as we organize it for health rather than injury, with the rugs, table, chairs, etc. where they should be. More to do today, but I enjoy the tidiness that results. I am very domestic, I must say.

I made a fish dish for us yesterday: that wonderful flounder from North Shore Farms, coated with cornmeal, then dipped in beaten egg with milk, then into freshly made breadcrumbs (day-old bread). The added touch was a topping of the remaining egg mixture (a very little left: for once I estimated well) to which I added the remaining cornmeal and a little pinch of baking soda. I popped this into a 350 oven for about 15 minutes, until the crust was brownish. I also made a coleslaw (no sugar) and sauteed fresh zucchini. Merwin likes to eat his main meal at about 2 p.m., which he did. For his dinner I made him scrambled eggs and cheese—and he's a happy man with that. Later we watched a silly juvenile movie that was fun, and we ate the last of the pear tart (Thanks again, Elaine!), which I had with a glass of wine. Finally I end the day with MSNBC and get the news. Wow, Go Obama! No doubt the Republicans will make hay out of his nuclear initiatives, just as they are trying to do with regulations that will help prevent the many abuses by financial institutions in this country. The market does not take care of anyone but the rich.

That's it, a very full and busy life, not very different from day to day, which is why if I don't write about it will blur into one lump, though a happy one.

I love hearing from all of you,
Bernice

My cup runneth over

Dear family and Friends,

This was a day for us to appreciate all the loving people around us.

The highlights of the day were visits by Elaine in the morning and then in the late afternoon by Rick, and a phone call from Lee, who sounded strong in every way, mentally and spiritually. We have indeed been fortunate to have Lee and Murray as our mahatunim (the parents of our beautiful daughter-in-law Sandy).

Elaine noticed that I used a rolling chair to get around in the bedroom (a little shakily), and later in the day brought over a beautiful walker that her husband, Ernie, can no longer manage. I have already used it with great pleasure and a much greater feeling of security. Thank you, Elaine and Ernie!

Rick came bearing gifts, a case of the wine that I like from Trader Joe's, and inter-library loan books. Once I peruse these, my work on the At Sea essay will be more than complete It was already finished, but I keep on finding little touches to add, bits of glue, shall we say, to hold the argument together better.

And I finally heard from Arin, the director of the Theatre for a New Audience production of Measure for Measure, who sent me her script. I will be able to make use of it for the essay I am writing for Laury's collection from the Shakespeare conference, which will be published in the Shakespeare Bulletin; for the review I am writing for the Shakespeare Newsletter; and for our edition of the play—a triple play for the play!

Our excellent team also made progress on the website: we moved towards the transfer to the MIT server; Jesús has made some corrections; Nick has sent some material for Jeffery to add; and so on.

We heard from Sandy B. that Phyllis is getting better and is enjoying my letters to her. I want so much to talk to her on the phone, and Sandy promises to send me the number to call: she is in rehab in Tucson. I heard from Betty that she is sending me some of the tools—for instance a grabber to pick things off the floor—that help her negotiate. I know they will help me; I am constantly dropping things on the floor.

Elaine, the pear tart is delicious! With some restraint, we managed to save half for today. We are thinking of you—and all our loving friends and family.

With my love to all,
Bernice

After 10 a.m. already!

Dear family and friends,

So many things to take care of this morning! I usually get to the blog first thing, before breakfast, but I had so many chores related to the various projects I am working on that it took me longer than usual—though of course sometimes I defer the whole thing.

The pain continues to be significant, and that is why I think I am so clumsy, letting things fall out of my hands. I pick up items from the floor, usually, from a seated position because it feels safer, less off-balance. I am trying to be watchful. But I also am doing more: folding clothes and sheets, tidying up as best I can.

Laury came over for a few hours yesterday to work on Measure for Measure with me. This is for our edition due in August. We have been away from it so long, and we are both a little mixed up, so that it took us some time to catch up. But we have now divided some of the material and will work separately. I am hoping to get to that today. I also want to phone the TFANA director (after about 6 emails and no reply) and see if she will send me the script as she had agreed to do. For yet another project, Laury is also collecting essays from the Shakespeare Association Seminar, and my contribution is not yet an essay but a series of comments that need to be shaped.

And of course, Hamletworks.org always beckons, the work itself and emails about the work.

Laury went shopping for me at Whole Foods, which is fairly near where she lives. I don't quite trust Merwin to do that shopping, though he is getting expert at North Shore Farms and other closer supermarkets. I wanted ingredients for Bittman's easy sardine-pasta meal, so highly recommended by Louise. I hope to make it when I have company because the recipe serve 6, and knowing me if I make it for Merwin and me, I will eat 5 servings and he will have 1, if that. Our NCC writing group is coming here on Thursday evening for a potluck supper, but I think I will make something really easy. I am excited about seeing my friends from the college as a group: we work so well together.

I am mindful of Sandy, Barbara, Lawrence, Lee and Murray. They are all working with Lee on her passage: may it be easy!


Love to you all,
Bernice

More of the same

Dear family and friends,

The biggest event of the day was an "almost fall" that terrified me, and then I kept n re-living it. Merwin was out, and I was transferring myself from the wheelie to the rolling chair at my desk. For some reason—perhaps I did not sit far back enough on the chair, perhaps I should have taken the extra precaution of leaning the rolling chair against the desk for stability—the chair began moving away from my bottom leaving me stranded, almost, in mid-air. By tightening my stomach muscles, I somehow righted myself, but it was so close. I have to be more mindful every moment.

Merwin went for a physical, something he has not had for several years. He has a few complaints that will be looked into, but basically he was given a good report: cholesterol 144, weight the same or lower than ever, and all things goods.

While he was gone, I made the chicken with salsa and whole cranberry sauce. How easy! I didn't even use the string beans that I had added last time because they are in the basement freezer, and I can't go down the stairs yet (though I keep eying them: I would like to see what's in the freezer).

I was able to wash and dry clothes; bending is much much easier now. I can even reach down to the floor and pick up some of the many things I drop. Merwin went for a walk at the beach, and I sat in the car: it is getting easier to manuever in and out of the seat now that I have the technique of using the good left leg to hook under and lift the immovable right leg.

And finally, I slept on the study couch, a very comfortable piece of furniture and something between the recliner (so easy to get in and out of), and the bed (which I still cannot get into without help). The down side is more pain as I do more, but I feel a need to be as active as possible.

Lincoln, who was at a con, called from Detroit. He told me he had been re-elected to a post in the Smithtown Fire Department, where he is a volunteer EMT—has been for over 20 years. He is a wonder with all his activities and friendships.

Lots of talks with friends on the phone, many plans for the coming week, including new outings, and the usual work at the computer. A normal day, except for the terror of the almost fall.

Love to you all, and no falls!
Bernice

A good day, a good night

Dear family and friends,

Yesterday worked beautifully. There were six of us at the Jolly Fisherman lunch: Lee, Phoebe, Ilona, Gladys, Rita and me. A delight in every way: the food is excellent and the company is even better. I got into and out of the car without difficulty, hooking the good left leg under the bad right leg to help lift it. It works like a charm.

Louise came for a visit bearing roses, which are now framing the window where I can also see birds steadily visiting the window feeder. Crackles have been huge black beasts on the delicate feeder, but the smaller birds are not afraid of them and come as well, especially the finches, whose mating colors are appearing.

Bill, the Visiting Nurse, came with a four-pronged cane and walked me to the bedroom with it, fingers just resting lightly on my back, not so much for support as for reassurance that he was right there behind me. I did not feel steady at all; well, compared to the wheelie, the cane demands much more from me. But that's what Bill wants. The struggle will make me stronger—as all struggles do? Once in the bedroom, we tried the transfer move to the bed, but I could not do it alone. I had already used up all my oomph just getting there with the cane. So I will continue to get into the bedroom the usual way, and continue the pratice of transferring to the bed. I was able to do it well enough this morning, and even lie on my side using a pillow for support. First thing in the morning is obviously easier than middle-on-the-night would be. One advance at a time.

I am getting more independent in the house. I was able to put in a washload and then transfer it to the dryer. I ask Merwin to do so many things for me that I want to try my best to accomplish anything I can. I am eager to get my study in good order.

Since our team could not meet at the Shakespeare Conference, I am putting together some ideas for immediate action. Jesús has many good ones. Jeffery, our tireless and brilliant webmaster, is enthusiastically on board, and I await news from Eric and Pete. We will proceed apace. If my energy level is diminished after the prednisone taper, I want to do as much as I can while I am relatively energetic. Thank goodness, the mood is not going downhill with the energy, which has diminished only a little so far.

And so it goes—a mix of domesticity, family, friends, nature, and work. The good things in life.

Love to all,
Bernice

Two steps forward one step back

I discuss this playbill below;
I didn't know how to get it where I wanted it.

Dear family and friends,

I suppose it's to be expected that the forward movement is not steady and regular, and I keep in mind that there IS progress every day. I did many things by myself yesterday: I put in a load of wash, transferred most of it to the dryer (I sit on my wheelie, as I call it, so I can reach). I made my bed (which I have not slept in yet) with the clean comforter that I have been using at the recliner. But though in the morning I had used Bill's technique for getting into the bed, at bedtime I found I could not do it. Probably I was too tired. Merwin was very leery about it. He felt it was too hard for me. I am going to practice with Bill when he comes, today or tomorrow, and hope for a move to my bed from the recliner next week. The recliner is perfectly comfortable. It's just my wish to get back to normal, or as normal as possible.

I have to deal with the probable fact that the prednisone taper is having an effect; I don't have as much energy as I would like. I canceled a visit to the dentist this afternoon, but I do intend to meet Gladys and Ilona and perhaps others for lunch at the Jolly Fisherman. I didn't practice getting in and out of the car yesterday, so I hope that will work easily.

Dawn came over after teaching her classes; it was a delight to see her. She had supper with us; I placed the wonderfully fresh fillets of flounder (wild, not previously frozen) that Merwin got from North Shore Farms into an oiled 9 x 13 pan, covered them with a little cheese and sprinkled them with pine nuts: baked for 15 minutes or less. We also had Merwin's salad and leftover veggies. Wonderful meal.

Dawn helped Merwin fold up the sleep couch in my study. Merwin does not have to sleep there anymore, and so the room is returning to normal: I am hoping that Dave will come and help him replace the rugs and table where they belong, but there is no hurry: Merwin has lots of work on his plate right now.

After retreating to the recliner in ignominious defeat last night, having failed the bed maneuver, I thought of another way to search for a playbill that would show whether or not women played the boy player who enters with the other players in Hamlet act 2, scene 2, and enacts the player queen role in act 3, scene 2.

I searched for "playbill" and got a whole book, written in the 19th-century. I jotted down the title and author and went searching for a Hamlet playbill. Some 200 pages in, page by page, I got my reward. Of course I should know that with Google, if you get something once you will not get it another time: I should not should on myself either, but by this time I was so tired I didn't have the energy. What I did I hope is good enough: I did a screen capture and got the image. I'll try attaching it here, too. But later.



This morning I went to the Library on Congress Catalog and the Folger Library Catalog to see if I could find the whole book. No luck at all. Oh, Google, why do you do this?

Anyway I got what I need, and that's the important thing. You will have to use a magnifying glass to see the details, but it's fun having this playbill.

Love to all,
Bernice

The bed beckons

Dear family and friends,

As planned, Bill taught me how to get into my bed. It's amazing what a few key moves will do. The main thing is to use a stool to raise the good left leg, then hook the good left foot under the ankle of the right foot (that move supports the bad leg and hip) and use the leverage of the good one to lift the right leg. It's a bit difficult, and though I tried it 3x under Bil's supervision and Merwin's watchful eye, none of us felt that I would be able to do it on my own safely. Yet this morning, after a few false moves, I did do it all my myself. There is nothing like determination and a will to proceed. I am happy I can work through the pain—and thankful that sitting here, typing, I feel no pain. Bill keeps on telling me that this is one of the most painful breaks. Yes, I know, I think to myself, but does it do me any good to hear about it?

The outdoor cycle continues apace: tree after tree comes into full bloom, then fades. Our neighbor Ricky trimmed his cherry tree, and Laury, who visited in the morning, brought in a large bunch of twigs. They will be a delight for a few days. Later in the day Phe visited and though we have know each other for over 50 years, it seems we had much in our pasts to catch up on. A great pleasure.

We spoke briefly to Lee and Murray; our daughter-in-law Sandy was on her way there as we spoke. This is a hard time, the end game. We pray for a peaceful conclusion.

My splendid librarian friends came through for me big time. I think I will soon have on hand every remaining reference I need for At Sea. I am going to suggest to the new editor of SQ that perhaps certain 19th century materials be made available on their website. Jay at NYPL found the 1825 essay I was looking for in the London Magazine, the first detailed discussion of the then newly discovered Q1 Hamlet (1603) and managed to email the pages. Isn't technology wonderful! Google books and other resources did not have this journal, but Jay found it and xeroxed the pages. David at NCC got from Google Books some pages I need and will send them. Alicia has 2 books for me at ILL. Someone will pick them up soon.

Now that I can get into the bed, and will soon try remaining in my bedroom all night, I can ask Merwin to move the work table in my study back into the center, so I can work on the next projects, mainly Measure for Measure and hamletworks.org.

It's a good time for me, and I hope for all of you too.

Love,
Bernice

Progress continues

Dear family and friends,

Above is a photo of Jesús and me before he returned to Spain on Monday afternoon. I am wearing a U of Valencia shirt he gave me some years ago: ser o no ser: To be or not to be, a challenge to students to make of themselves what they want to become. How sweet it is to be with dear friends and to have a photo memory. We should have a camera so we could take photos of all kinds of things and people. Merwin snapped this photo in my study, which has become our bedroom since my fall 22 days ago.

Yesterday I had an outing to Annie Nails to get a much-needed manicure, due two weeks ago. We decided not to use the wheelie for the few steps from the car to the little shop, but I have to say it was hard to accomplish. I cannot walk well enough with just a hand on Merwin's arm. But once I was in the shop everything was fine. Someone on each side would still be needed now, though I expect to do better in a few days. Every day there seems to be progress in strength, but the pain remains without much change at all; I am still taking a lot of pain meds, but not as much as at the beginning: I am trying to bear with it. While I was at the shop, Merwin went off for his brisk walk at the beach. The photo on the upper right shows Jesús and Merwin sitting on a bench at the end of the beach.

After Merwin picked me up at the shop we took a little ride down to the beach, where we noticed with great interest that the sidewalk that had caused my fall had been repaired beautifully. Below is the "before" picture. Hey! I am getting pretty good at this photo-attachment stuff! Amazing.

Did I mention that a lawyer from the building landlord phoned me last week and wanted to interview me and see my medical records? That's when I asked Dave to take the photos: and we asked Rabbi Lee about a lawyer for our interests.


So I guess we are starting this process of figuring out what to do, an exploration. We are not litigious sorts usually.

Yesterday afternoon, the lawyer we contacted came to see us. He's another man named "Bill." We seem to have many of them these days. My main gripe is that the fall kept me from the Shakespeare conference where we were to settle so many things about our website. There is really no way to replace the time we would have had together in private face-to-face meetings. Phone and email are just not enough. I feel I should be compensated for that loss of time on the Hamlet work, especially since time is so iffy for me.

Speaking of which, I began the prednisone taper, which I may have mentioned yesterday. I felt the difference immediately: more fatigue. The prednisone gives me an upper. Going without it is perhaps not a downer, but puts me into my usual myelo proliferative state. Joanna, the PT from my hem's office, called to check that I had continued with the taper. I will call her if the fatigue gets to be too much. What's too much? Wanting always to lie down, not being able to work. You must know that not being able to work is just not acceptable.

Big change today. I have not needed Merwin's help during the night for several days now, so I suggested that he return to his bed upstairs. I have a whistle I can blow if I need him. He did that, so (1) I can turn on the light in the middle of the night when I am awake, and (2) we can each sleep without disturbing each other. That worked, so today the sleep-couch will be closed up and become a couch again. I will remain on the La-Z-Boy recliner in the study until I get Bill, the Visiting Nurse who will be here this afternoon, to show me how to get into my bed. Can't turn yet, or twist. Because Merwin and I both sleep so erratically, we have used separate bedrooms for the last few years.

And of course the work continues, slowly, slowly. But I'll write about that another time.

Love to all,
Bernice

Chugging right along!

Dear family and friends,

Just as I was about to sit down and write my blog yesterday, the electricity went off and stayed off for an hour. Since Jesús was here, and we had work to do together, the time for the blog just slipped away. I wish I could convey the beautiful feeling of being with someone well loved, as Jesús is by both Merwin and me, and also the special joy that comes from working together on projects that are meaningful to us both and to the Shakespeare community at large. Then I have to wonder: will we see Jesús again here? I had my first long ride in the car on Sunday to pick Jesús up at Islip, and then on Monday I had an even longer one to take Jesús to JFK. Each time it got easier. I think I am getting the hang of what I have to do to maneuver myself into the seat without stressing the pelvis. So today, instead of having Amy come here to do my nails, as I expected I would need her to do, I think I will go there, just a quarter of a mile away. With Merwin's help I will get in the car and out of it and into the shop, then back into the car and home. With my wheelie, I know I can do it, and looking ridiculous on the main street of Glen Head is OK with me.

For dinner Sunday, I made a lovely beef stew, with wine from Trader Joe's. It is quite good for drinking too. I made myself a vegetarian version of the stew. Both will return for supper tonight, I think. For breakfast, we had gefrüschte matzoh again, except Merwin has given up on it because it makes him sick, literally. Delicious, but deadly. For lunch I was going to make a new recipe derived from the cookbook "Southern Fried Matzah" (you'll notice that there are lots of ways to spell matzo), but the time slipped by and I had to make something faster. This is a variation of the basic blintzes recipe but without the blini. I mixed together no-salt-added farmers' cheese and egg, one package of cheese and one egg per person. I layered a loaf pan with sliced fresh apples and covered them with the cheese mixture. I would ordinarily bake this quantity at 450 for almost an hour. I pushed it to 500 because I was late getting started. It was delicious. The cheese had a brown crust at the top and sides (I don't grease the pan) and was semi-firm underneath, the apples were soft but still had shape, and by the way, the special apples from Lee and Henry were delicious prepared this way. Merwin likes some jam with his portion; Jesús and I liked it as it was.

The idea from the cookbook is intriguing. You make the blini mix, and spread half of it in a buttered pan. Carefully spread the cheese mix on top of the blini mix. You would have to be very careful to make sure the cheese didn't impinge on the blini layer. Then you cover with an additional layer of the blini mix and bake for about an hour at 450.

We are blessed with our sons, as most of you know. Yesterday Dave sprayed our trees (which he selected and planted some years ago) with milk mixed with a few other ingredients. He believes in organic gardening. He helped Merwin move the worm box outdoors. It's been in the cellar some months; they seem to be doing OK. Dave also helped Merwin with some TV and computer problems. And Dave also did some shopping, locating the apple butter that is an indispensable ingredient of my vinaigrette salad dressing.

We also heard from Harvey and Arthur. Harvey had a flood in his house that required him and Sandy to make trip after trip to the dump to throw away soggy things, including carpeting. The sad part is that he had to throw away the records of his earliest research: slides, reports, and the like. Of course the fruit of that work remains intact in published papers and in medical practice, but there goes the history. Arthur called while his daughter, Sabrina, was visiting him and his wife Debbie and mother-in-law Dorothy in New Hampshire, so we had a chance to talk to her also about her work. She is working in Boston, using her B.S. degree in chemistry (my father had an MS in chemistry; Laura our oldest granddaughter is working on a PhD in organic chem at Boston U). All our grandchildren are post undergrad age. Sigh.

Towards the end of the evening, Laury came for a brief visit. We didn't work for once, just talked about what was on our minds and about the Shakespeare Conference. Her seminar went well, and she is glad she went even though she was there barely 24 hours. She and I will start working again on Measure for Measure soon. I also had the pleasure of making her a little snack, a hamburger with a matzo roll with applesauce on the side. Not only do I enjoy cooking but also feeding the people I love.

I am beginning to turn a little onto my right side a couple of inches when I am lying in my glider. I consider this a good sign that I will be more mobile soon. It would be a relief not to always have to lie on my back.

We've already heard from Jesús that he had a wonderful greeting from his children, who were still in pjs at breakfast this morning when he arrived. While he was here, we saw many delightful minutes of videotape of the family, especially the children. They remember well their visit here. And we spoke briefly to Carme, his 9-year-old daughter, when his wife Xelo phoned. Pau has been away all weekend visiting a friend, leaving mother and daughter to enjoy mother-and-daughter-things. Lucky family. We also saw what we have heard about for a long time: Jesús playing in a wind band. I thought it was a casual group, but this is a huge orchestra, and the occsaion was a big community concert, crowded with folks from his village and nearby villages.

It's a gray day today, but I look forward to good progress on all fronts.

Love,
Bernice

Feasts for the eyes

Dear family and friends,

I am feasting my eyes on a gorgeous orchid, advertised as "easy to care for." Huh. That's easy for people with green thumbs to say. It has three magnificent vivid fuchsia blooms and many burgeoning buds. How nice it would be to keep this gift from Sophie and Brendan going! I will try. Advice appreciated. Sophie has told me that I should water it rarely, only once a month.

I quickly disposed of Toby's lovely primroses by over-watering. Phe's delicate pansies are still intact. Sandy's bouquet of cut flowers from 16 days ago still has a few blooms going.

Then there is the outside! I appreciate these inside flowers because I am not spending much time outdoors. But I also enjoy seeing the outside blooms: the three times risen-from-the-dead magnolia is now in bloom, as are miniature daffodils, full-size daffodils, a fruit tree, and many others. I can see many of these from the windows. I am going to get outside more. I can easily walk to the deck off my study. But I can also ride in the car now too. We went yesterday evening to Sea Cliff beach and relished the view across the sun-glistened water. We didn't try getting out of the car and using the walker there. I will wait for a few more practice sessions. I look pretty weird trying to get myself into the car. Lifting the right leg is painful, so I have to lie back and raise my knees. It has to be seen to be believed. Luckily for me I don't care about appearances very much. I could tell you tales of me in "I don't care who's looking" mode. Someday, in person.

Speaking of in person, I am very comfortable with visits from friends these days. Call before, because I could be out!

Obviously, I am enjoying my cooking, so food is not a problem and hasn't been since about day 2 when I could roll my way to the stove to make an omelet. Last night I tried a Passover version of pasta with parsley pesto. One buys a huge bunch of parsley for the Seder plate , so the pesto was a good way to use up the bunch. Not bad. But basil pesto is ever-so--much better. And real noodles are better than Passover noodles. I Googled "parsley pesto" and then chose ingredients I had on hand from among the many recipes.

Happy Easter to all my friends, family and acquaintances who celebrate this holiday in any way whatsoever. Happy Egg hunting if that's part of your festivities. It's a gorgeous day here: hope it's so for you too in every way.

And love to all,
Bernice

What goes around cmes around

Dear family and friends,

Continuing the story of our neighbors Ann and Bud: After reading my blog yesterday, Dave wrote me: "i saw him in north shore farms, just a few days ago... in our final conversation, there, near the soups, he wanted to inform me that you made the best pecan pie he had ever had. I told him about what had happened to you and suggested that you would be cheered up if he and ann would wish you well."

So Dave instigated their rare show of concern for me just as he had, in a sense, set off the problem. The short story from my perspective: while I was at the Folger Library in Washington, DC, Ann in her car ran into and damaged the open door of my car. It was parked on our narrow street, and Dave had opened the door, he said, several minutes before Ann drove by: he was gathering stuff to bring into the house. Ann said he opened the door just AS she was driving by, thus causing her to drive into the door. With his engineer's eye Merwin decided that the event must have been as Dave described it: the damage matched his story. Nevertheless, Merwin decided not to inform me of this accident and also decided to take the entire blame for it: pay for the damage to our car and pay for any damage to her car, which it turned out was not damaged. When I returned home from the Folger and found out what had happened, I rushed over to apologize to Ann for the trouble. As days went by, though, it became increasingly clear that Ann was angry at all of us. I could not understand it, but her scowls when she saw me approach led me to say OK, "waves from afar only." And pretty much it has remained that way in the 10 years or so since that incident.

Ann had meant a great deal to me; she was a role model, whose way of dealing with, for example, a troubled young boy who lived across the street, inspired me. His home life was not good; he always looked bitter and unhappy, but Ann would call him over, treat him to her bright smile and give him a look that said, "You are worthwhile; you are special." He glowed in her affection—nothing she said, just the way she looked at him and brightened when she saw him. When a neighborhood teen-aged girl in a car hit a boy on a bicycle, many of us gathered around the boy to comfort him, to cover him with blankets, and hold his hand while we waited for the ambulance. Ann was the only one who thought to turn to the young driver and put her arms around her to comfort her, standing there amazed and bereft. So understanding that Ann had clay feet, that she could be small and mean, was a lesson for me.

Take the good and leave the bad.

Sophie came over bearing large amounts of cut-up fruit, eager to do anything we needed. We talked for a couple of hours about her work as a grad student and my experience as a Shakespearean. She is doing so very well. Merwin is always amazed that I have so much to talk about with various people: daily long phone calls with my sister when she was alive and similar intense discussions with several others are a mainstay of my life. But I also enjoy the quick and casual encounters I have with so many people I am fond of—and think I know.

I had my second foray into the car. It was more difficult without Bill to coach me into position, but I made it. We went to the beach and I sat in the car listening to NPR and watching the water and people while Merwin went for his vigorous walk. There is always so much for him to do that he has to be especially careful to take the time to exercise. Mel and Viv came to the window to say hello. Mel spoke of how it had happened with Bud with tears in his eyes. They had been friends since 1955. But we all agreed that it was a great way to go; no illness, just a sudden heart attack, right there at the beach.

And I continue to work on hamletworks.org., cook, make meals, read, watch the news, and all the other good things that make my day. Bill Moyers was especially moving last night.

We went to bed late. I notice I am taking fewer pain pills, but I am also more aware of the pain. I have to be careful not to make a bad move.

Another sunny day today.

Love to all,
Bernice

A lovely chat

Dear family and friends,

A lovely chat with our dear French friends the Willemses was a highlight of the day: I think we spoke for over an hour, via iChat, after an initial failure of our server. We heard a lot about the conference where she read my paper for me. The affair, with its superb coordination by Sarah and Nathalie, sounded wonderfully congenial.

The Interlibrary Loan librarian, David, phoned me to get some information about books I had ordered. In the process, he led me through the NCC library's Internet system, which has more riches than I would have thought possible for a community college. Since retiring 10 years ago, I have not kept up with the advances they have introduced. They have JSTOR for example, which provides whole journal articles on the web. I found one I needed, did a screen capture of the pages I wanted to quote, then printed them. Neat. Merwin urged me t write down immediately all the steps involved in accessing databases, but of course by the time I got to it I was good with step 1 and 3 but didn't know how to do step 2. I'll confer with the librarian later today to fill in the gap.

Speaking of David, our David came over and replaced light bulbs and in general answered technical questions here and there. He is going to change my email program as soon as he can figure out how to transfer everything without pain.

I made potato latkes as planned: First I grated 2 apples mixing in juice of a half lemon, and cooked this until it was good applesauce consistency. Without cleaning out the Cuisinart, I grated 2 red-skinned potatoes (not as good as Yukon Gold) with a tiny bit of an onion, and a little squeeze of lemon juice, because these potatoes can darken, plus 2 eggs. I fried in canola oil and served with the apple sauce (cooled by placing he bowl in the freezer) and sour cream. Yum. Merwin ate very little because he had had his big meal at mid-day, and he can eat only one big meal a day. Me, I can eat big meals at all three, and in between as well. I am still gaining weight. I would like to believe that prednisone is giving me this appetite and weight gain, but only time will tell. I refuse to worry about it. I have spent too much of my life dealing with weight.

The Passover rolls came out even better than the first time. They toast into delicious freshness. Do I seem fixated on food?

Toby came over bearing goodies, leftovers from her Seder in Boston. It's fun having visitors. I am hoping to have more as the days go on.

Vivian dropped over with the bombshell news that our neighbor Bud had died of a sudden heart attack the afternoon before. Just an hour or so later we got in the mail a card signed by Ann and Bud, written by Ann of course, wishing us a happy holiday and me a speedy recovery.

Not a bad ending for a life: close to 90, a heart attack. Though always sad for those who are left behind.

Off to make a batch of gefrüschte matzo! When in doubt, EAT!

Love to all,
Bernice