Sweet visit

Our Seder plate, and above Merwin's right shoulder the image of
Harvey and Sandy's Seder table
Harvey took this photo from his side of the Internet connection

Dear family and friends,

Yesterday's highlight was the arrival late in the evening of Jesús, our dear friend, from Valencia. I could not travel by car to be with him for the hour drive home from the airport, so I did not see him till about 9 p.m. Then I learned that he had to leave for Chicago quite early today: 8 a.m. Merwin has already dropped him off at the airport. All his and our plans were made so we could have the maximum amount of time together, beginning and ending with time in Glen Head, sandwiching within the Shakespeare conference, which Merwin and I are not attending.

He is going to see if he can change his return to Long Island from Chicago to Saturday instead of Sunday, to give us at least about 24 hours together before he returns to Spain. The love flows among us: he is so dear. Having him here, looking at him, relishing his presence, it's almost as if we were together only yesterday. It's a precious friendship and for me is especially rich because of the Hamlet work we do together and separately. Another benefit of a discipline that requires—who knew?—nation-wide as well as international collaborations in addition to the ones all over the USA! And these friendships are particularly sweet for us when Merwin and I both enjoy them, as is so often the case.

I rose early yesterday and began the Passover rolls that are a favorite of this season for us. They came out very nice: I made them with part whole wheat, part white matzo meal; part peanut oil and part olive oil. The recipe is at the bottom. I wanted to get the rolls in the oven so I could start on the gefrüschte matzo (refreshed matzo) or whatever it is called in your tradition to have it ready for Merwin when he got up. Recipe below.

It was a rainy, rainy day: an amazing amount of rain fell. But in this bright room it is still possible to feel that the sun is out there somewhere. And the buds continue to unfold, the birds to visit the feeder, and all things say SPRING. A very peaceful day.

Lincoln came to have dinner with me (brought from Sylvia and Marty's Seder the evening before) and to watch over me while Merwin was at the airport (he left here at 6:30 p.m.). Jesús was the last of the 500 + passengers to come through the gate! And I suppose it was a good thing Lincoln was here: I dropped a bowl of strawberries trying to remove it from the refrigerator, and Linc was there to pick it up. Also, our power went off briefly, and Lincoln readied candles and flashlights in case it happened again, but it didn't.

Merwin finally came home, and he, Jesús, and I had about 2 hours together before bedtime; then about an hour this morning. Too little. But more to come, however brief.

Love to all,
Bernice

Gefrüschte matzo recipe:

Place a large frying pan on the stove top: heat it and then add sweet oil (i.e. canola or peanut, not a flavorful oilive oil). keep warm or slightly hot; the other prep will not take long.
Using 2 sheets of Matzo per person, more or less, run the matzo under the faucet to wet somewhat, not so much that it falls apart.
In a bowl, break the sheets into pieces, not crumbs, but big bite-sized pieces
Add 1 or 2 eggs or egg beaters per serving, and mix thoroughly, enough to coat the matzo thoroughly.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Bring the oil in the pan to a higher temperature and add the matzo.
Fry until crisp, turning frequently to brown all surfaces. but don't let them dry out. There should be packets of softer matzo within each crisp bundle.

Dave made a sweet version of this with cinnamon and other sweeteners, but no sugar. I like mine savory. If I were to add anything it would be sauteed onions.

Passover rolls

I like this recipe because it is easy to remember: every mesurement is related to .5 or 1/2 (in my mnd)

Pre-prep: Take 5 eggs out of the refrigerator so they will be room temperature. Preheat oven to 500 (yes, 500; it gives the dough a quick shock into rising). Boil 2 cups of water; when the kettle whistle sounds (if you use one) turn off the burner and hold for the few minutes it will take you to prepare the dough. Prepare a cookie sheet by sprinkling with matzo meal.
The rolls:
Place in a large bowl 2 C matzo meal: I used part whole wheat and part white.
With a large fork, mix in 1/2 C oil until the dough looks a bit crumbly: I used part olive oil and part peanut oil.
Add and mix in salt and pepper to taste. In general I use very little salt, more pepper, and for this batch I used a tiny amount of cumin (1/2 t perhaps).
Add eggs one at a time, from the shell right into the batter, and mix in thoroughly, You are not beating the eggs or whipping them: just mix them until they blend in.

Using a large spoon, scoop out a portion of batter and place onto the crumbs on the cookie sheet. You should have about 12 rolls. Place in hot oven and turn heat down to 475. Bake for 45 minutes or so; ovens vary as you know. Peak at them at 45 minutes and if they are not brown enough, give them another 5-10 minutes. They should be light (well, not VERY light). Try picking one up carefully. Heaviness means there is more liquid within that needs to be incorporated better.

This batch came out very well. A good bread for any occasion, but extra nice for Passover.

Successful experiment

Dear family and friends,

We had an iChat Seder last night! It worked. Merwin and I had prepared our Seder plate with the bitter and green herbs, the roasted egg and other symbols of the holiday, with a basket of matzo, the wine and glasses and most of the other fixings in the small space in front of my large computer. When the time came, Harvey, in Woodbridge, CT, tested the iChat: it worked! he placed his computer where we usually sit, to his left near the head of the table, so when people looked that way, they could see us, and we could see them as we usually do. I can't say the image was as bright or cheerful as the in-person version, but it was great to be part of it! We sang the songs, and with some urging I sang my special song, Mah LaHa haYam. Didn't quite work because my voice was not strong enough to guide this non-singing group in the response part of the tune. But I was amazed I could sing at all (not well, not wisely, but happily).

I missed the more intimate conversations we have with friends there, so I could not find out about the older children of Doran and Sharon, who were not there; or with Jordy, who was one of three Yale students there; or with Katie who was sitting next to me; or with her friend who was sitting next to her. I think only her married son was there with his wife: where were the other sons? Michelle was the only granddaughter there, and I noticed that she sat to the right of her mother, across from where I would have been sitting, and not with the children at the other end of the table. Not that there were any children! All the children have become grownups.

But even more unsettling, I guess, was the fact that there was no one there of our generation. Sharon's parents are gone, Sandy's parents can't travel because of her mother's struggle with pancreatic cancer, though Lee and Murray did join us via regular phone for a song and a "hello" all around. And we could not travel either. We are seeing the generations shifting before our eyes.

I think of our dear friend Sandy's wish that all her children be married and start families young. I think I understand better now. A long period of bachelor-hood does not make for continuity between generations.

Change is inevitable and the steps are clearer from this vantage point, far from the beginning.

I remember the raucous family Seders my parents made, with all my close cousins there and aunts and uncles. The men chanted, the woman chatted, and the children made mischief at, under, and around the table. This scheme fell apart of course as it had to, and I recall a Seder with only the three of us, mama, papa, and me at 15 in Miami Beach, Fla. I conducted the Seder, and my parents were so pleased. But what a difference from the old days, which I thought would last forever! Oh well, enough of family history. One can get started and never stop.

And lots more happened yesterday. I heard from the editor of the journal to which I sent my revised essay, and he was pleased to have it. He was planning to send it to the two readers to see if they liked or could approve of my changes. It's actually quite a different essay, much better I think, but also lacking a personal element I had included in the earlier version. Then, I placed myself in the circle of scholars who make decisions that are purportedly intellectual and scholarly and yet have an emotional and personal bias. So I will know soon if the readers and editors still want to publish the piece. I started this project in 2002, dropped it when other commitments became too pressing, and returned to it last October when I got the new, more serious diagnosis of myelo fibrosis. It was one of three things I wanted to complete before . . . you know what. Now it is almost done, but I have miles to go before I sleep, many projects in process.

Yesterday also was eventful on other fronts: the tech came for the blood draw again. I didn't know he'd be here every week. More importantly, the Visiting Nurse, Bill, whose specialty is physical therapy, came and gave me more exercises to do. They are going to take a chunk out of my day, but I can modify as events demand. I had so much kitchen work yesterday that I couldn't get to many reps of the exercises. I also asked him for some exercises for arms and back with my 3 lb weights; he gave me two simple ones to try (3 x 10 reps each as are all the exercises). And I must walk and walk around with the walker. The pain is going to be a problem for a long time, even with the pain meds, he says, but I just have to work through it. He says that this is one of the more painful fractures. I guess this is tit for tat: no cast, no surgery, no hospital stay—but pain. The best news is that Bill is going to show me on Wed. how I can get into and out of a car. He'll tell me when I will be strong enough to endure the jouncing of automobile travel and thus actually go somewhere. It would be good to get to the dentist for the appointment I missed the very day, two weeks ago, that I broke my pelvis. And on April 9th, I'd love to get to the Jolly Fisherman for our monthly "ladies who lunch." Then later in the month we have tickets for a play in NYC. Can I make that? Looks possible, maybe, I hope. Lots of things pushing me forward into the future.

Well, enough about me: what about you?

Love,
Bernice

Busy day yesterday

Dear friends and family,

I had a very active day yesterday in the kitchen, standing a lot, moving from sink to counter to fridge, etc. Now I am paying the penalty: starting yesterday evening I had quite a lot of pain, then through the night and this morning as well. I don't think I damaged anything. I just have to go easier today. One factor is the change of pills, from a higher dose with Tylenol that I took every 8 hours to a lower dose without Tylenol that I can take every 6 hours or less, if I need it. Without the Tylenol, I don't have to worry about a Tylenol overdose.

We had a bit of a comedy of errors last night in the kitchen: twice, not once, I dropped a full container of little white pills on the floor. Of course, I could not bend to pick them up, so Merwin, with his stiff back, had to roll around seated on a stool to get the little white pills scattered on the white tiles. Once one set of pills was all off the floor and safely in its jar again, I dropped another. I could do very little but stand there leaning on the walker; I couldn't move lest I roll or step on a pill. Merwin took it all very well, though he had loads to do. When I “Black-Sammed” him, he only gave me a look (which from long experience I understood immediately). Black Sam was Merwin's large, Italian boss for the short time he worked on particular types of labor gang jobs at a Buffalo steel plant. Black Sam would stand watching the men picking up, say, heavy bricks randomly tossed in a pile, and he would point imperiously to a specific one and say in his growly, nasty voice (or perhaps just indicate) "That one!” Of course ALL had to be picked up, so picking up any particular one was just nonsense. Since then, Black-Samming has entered our family vocabulary. A look from Merwin is enough to tell me that I am doing it. We all hate being Black-Sammed! Fortunately for Merwin he soon moved from the Labor Gang to the railroad crew, a much easier and better job altogether. This is how he supported us (we had married during our Freshman year) for most of the college years. It was the sort of work that disappeared from Buffalo and from the country not long after as the steel plants were closed one by one, along with all the other mills and factories. It had been a way for relatively uneducated men to make a good living. The pay had been better at the steel plant than it was at Merwin's first job as an engineer after graduation from the University of Buffalo in 1954.

Working more on Gunthio yesterday, I found some intriguing mysteries. One mystery is with Google Books. A search for Gunthio found quite a lot of material, including a full-length book that mentioned him on one page. Wow, I thought, I can download this whole book. While I was debating about printing (the only way to copy it that the page allowed) such a long book (a New Variorum ed. of R2), I turned to other entries: some can be printed, some not. It's strange. Later in the day, when I tried to get back to the R2 book, I could no longer access the whole book. Does anyone reading this understand the mysteries of Google Books? I have noticed this before: a search for exactly the same thing on two occasions gets a different result each time.

The other mystery is with Gunthio himself. He makes a statement about Q1 Hamlet that is false. Why? What does it mean? I like pondering these things. Gunthio is a pseudonym for, I believe, John Payne Collier, and this is one of the false trails he leaves. Or a mistake he makes accidentally because he is working from memory?

I hope to feel better as I proceed through the day. I know that thinking of you, enjoying the music and my work, finishing up the Passover details for tonight, I will have a full day. I predict it will be a happy one.

Love to all,
Bernice

Progress on several fronts

Dear family and friends,

I attached my Sea essay to an email and sent it off last night. It's a good feeling. The editor had said that I could have till the end of March or even longer, but it's always good to get things off my desk so I can go on to the next thing.

I don't know if I have mentioned that I have started the prednisone taper? So far, with the slower taper, it does not seem to be affecting me as did the last try at tapering, when going down from 35 to 30 had an almost instant deleterious effect on my breathing. Now I am tapering from 35 to 32.5, and so far so good. The prednisone has done good and bad things for me overtly (and is doing good and bad things covertly). My pride and joy, my delicate feet and legs, are hunks of flesh, swollen beyond recognition. My appetite is enormous; I seem to want to eat constantly. And as as person who has not wanted to eat sugar for years and years, I am now a secret sweetaholic. I have gained weight. But even before that, I got the typical prednisone chipmunk cheeks. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. On the other hand, prednisone has given me energy. I have been staying up till midnight, sleeping about 7 hours each night, with one deep nap during the day. What will happen to the fatigue factor once I have tapered completely? But taper we must, because of all the damage the prednisone can do to various joints and organs.

I am now at the top of the list for the drug trial at Mount Sinai. It's a phase one, which means the optimum dose of the drug is being studied. While before my fall I would have been impatient to get started, now I am just hoping that I wont be called until my broken pelvis bone, the pubic ramus, is healed and I am able to go into the City once a week for the many weeks of the trial (when I can walk). Since the experimental drug can have many ill side effects, I am hoping to complete the specific projects I have with Measure for Measure before I have to deal with them. I remain aware that my condition could take a downturn very swiftly with or without the trial drug, and I continue to enjoy one day at a time, with a smile almost always on my face. Except when I get impatient about the things I want to do that I can't do.

Last evening, we watched "Gran Torino," with Clint Eastwood and enjoyed it, even though in retrospect it is hokey: still watching an artist at the top of his game is a thrill. And this morning, while waiting for Merwin to wake up, I saw the tail end of "ET" and teared-up as usual at the parting of the children and alien—tears, while at the same time noticing all the gimmicks that Spielberg uses to get those tears flowing.

I did take a bit of a chance this morning. I woke up with one of those night sweats and didn't want to wake Merwin, who was sleeping peacefully. So I went up the 4 stairs for a shower. Without him to help, I had no walker to get from the stairs to the little bathroom, but I used a rolling desk chair for help, and it worked well enough. I also picked out something to wear from the closet and was well into my shower before Merwin came looking for me. He was a little upset with me because he thought I had unnecessarily endangered myself. I suppose so, but independence is important, and I have to be fearless—but careful.

Things are heating up with Passover prep. I didn't expect to do as much as I have to now that I am home. Today, I will prepare the Passover plate. With this sweet tooth I have, I expect to enjoy the charoses (the sweet paste that represents the mortar used by the enslaved Jews to make bricks for Pharaoh). More anon.

Love to all,
Bernice

Another sunny day

Dear Family and Friends,

Frustrations again with Eudora, my email program, which Michigan U professors who invented have long since discontinued supporting. I am afraid ti will corrupt my whole computer. Dave will come soon and take care of email I hope.

Bill, the Visiting Nurse who takes care of physical therapy, gave me a long list of exercises to do and put me through the paces while he was here to show me how to do them. They will take a lot of my time, I can see. For one, he wants me to go up and down the stairs at least 3x in a row, and then another set later. There are all sorts of chair exercises, lifting the foot that hurts up and down, etc., and other strengthening exercises for quads, thighs, ankles, etc. I would like go get some small weights for my arms if he approves, though,lifting my weight with my arms on the wheelie does exercise my arms a bit. He'll be back on Monday. As I do more, the hip hurts more, but no pain no gain, as Jane Fonda said.

Sylvia came with lunch and Passover groceries and her good company. We will see more of her after Passover, now that she is leaving her most demanding job and taking it easier. Sophie sent via Brendan her good and easy version of spinach pie, which we had for supper—so no cooking today at all. Now she wants to make the spinach pie I raved about: I am not sure though that it is worth all the extra effort. Sophie says I didn't put it on my blog. it's below for anyone who wants it.

I am feeling ready to resubmit my essay for publication. I have more work to do on it, but it could stand as is, and with the need for it to go back to the readers for their approval of my responses to their comments, I think I will have time to add any results from the small amount of further research I am trying to do. I may submit it today. It's not easy to work solely on the Internet. How great it would be just to go to a good library and pick up what I need! But thank goodness for my wonderful librarian friends and for the Internet.

Poor Merwin. So much of the burden of daily life that I handled must fall on him in addition to all the work he already does for this household. He is getting worn out. But what a loving attendant he is. I try not to wake him at night when I get up for the bathroom, but if he hears me he is instantly at attention with a warm smile. What a trouper! Merwin, I do appreciate you, even when I get a little impatient.

Love to all,
Bernice

Sara’s Spinach Pie
The Temporary Vegetarian: Sara’s Spinach Pie (NYT October 14, 2009)
Time: 1 hour 45 minutes (ha! the making took me about 3 hrs. The baking will be another hour)
3 tablespoons olive oil, more as needed (much more, but oh well)
2 large yellow onions, finely chopped (I used one very big one and let the Cuisinart do the chopping)
Sea salt (I used the salt I had on hand) but leave this out; cheese is very salty.
2 pounds fresh spinach, washed and thoroughly dried (I bought pre-washed spinach; baby spinach would have been better; I checked the Internet to see if pre-washed is safe to use without re-washing. The answer was yes). Turns out that baby spinach is not flavorful enough for this dish, so forget that tip.
Vegetable oil or nonstick spray, for oiling pan
1 pound feta cheese, rinsed in cool water, then crumbled (I should have crumbled it more; mine was diced)
12 ounces ricotta cheese, drained (the brand I got is just delicious: full fat is best
5 ounces (about 2 cups) finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
5 large eggs, lightly beaten (I used 6 because they weren't very big, though they were called "large")
Freshly ground black pepper
1 to 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh dill, or to taste. (I forgot to add this and sprinkled it on the top while it was baking the first time I made this, but used lots more.)

1. In a large skillet over low heat, heat olive oil. Add onions and sauté until soft and beginning to turn golden, 30 to 40 minutes. Transfer to a large mixing bowl.
2. Return pan to medium heat. Working in batches and adding oil 1 tablespoon at a time as needed, sauté spinach until wilted, then transfer to a bowl. Coarsely chop cooked spinach (I didn't chop; not necessary), then squeeze hard to remove as much excess liquid as possible (I did this as well as I could, hardly perfect: the extra egg seemed to take care of the excess liquid.).
3. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Lightly oil a shallow 9-by-13-inch baking dish and set aside. In a large bowl, combine feta, ricotta, Parmigiano-Reggiano, eggs and a generous amount of pepper. Mix well. Add spinach and onions and mix thoroughly. Add dill, and toss to blend. Spoon into baking dish, pat down evenly and drizzle lightly with olive oil.
4. Bake pie for 30 minutes. Raise heat to 350 degrees and bake until lightly firm in center and golden on top, about 20 more minutes. If top begins to brown too much (but do let it brown some), cover lightly with foil. To serve, allow pie to cool slightly before cutting into squares. It may also be served cool.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings. More like 12 servings for us.

Sophie layered her pan with philo sheets. I think this is a good addition: 2-3 sheets of oiled philo. Yum.

Big news today!

To the woods

Photo of friends' children. It's one of my favorite photos. Click on it if necessary to make it larger. Then to reduce it again and return to the blog, hit the back arrow on your tool bar.

Dear family and friends,

It's amazing, isn't it, how little things become so important at times. This morning, I decided that I could try the visiting nurse's method for getting up the four stairs to my bathroom with its shower stall. He had held onto me so tightly that I have black and blue imprints of his fingers on my arm. So the question was whether I could do it now, since I am stronger, without his hands to help me. I decided to try it with Merwin standing by. What a great success! I got up using the "good foot up, bad foot down" method, and it worked beautifully. Hardly a bit of discomfort. I had a shower! I washed my hair! I had a massage with my nice body lotion! The wonderful walker took me to the bathroom door off the bedroom but couldn't get through the narrow sliding door. Fortunately, the little bathroom is so small that I can hold on to something to get from one spot to another. I had gained 2 lbs in these 10 days, a result of an enormous appetite, little exercise (though some, for sure) and prednisone: it doesn't worry me at all. The trip down the four stairs was just a tad more difficult than the trip up. And there was Merwin at the bottom, anxiously watching me.

Sergei has just come in to install the second banister for those 4 stairs, and with that the going up and down will be even easier. Hooray! It was so good to see my cozy bedroom again. I will, however, continue to sleep on the recliner until I can turn from side to side. That will take a while.

Yesterday, Barbara did come for supper, which we enjoyed very much, chatting about this and that.

The flowers are blooming here by the minute. There's a fruit tree outside the study window that I am enjoying, and from the bedroom window I could see the miniature daffodils in the front yard.

Today Sylvia is coming with a shopping basket full of food for Passover. I hope also to get to the study work table, now pushed to one side and loaded with papers, and sort things out that I need for the Sea essay. which I hope to submit soon, maybe a matter of days.

And so it goes: the usual.

Love to all,
Bernice

Two steps forward, on step back

Sweet little girls, children of a friend


Dear family and friends,

Yesterday I made another bad move that increased the pain again. That's two days in a row. I guess I am feeling so chipper and limber that I think I can do anything. This was another bending movement, so I am going to try hard to avoid those. Otherwise I think I am making good progress.

I am grateful for so many things: shall I count the ways? I love the photos that surround me. I am going to try to get more of them into my computer. The children—my children's and those of my friends—especially delight me. I enjoy this walker that gets me around so well. For several days after the fall, I could not walk at all, even with the walker. Now I can walk fairly easily with it. It's such a fine instrument: I can lift it with one hand. It locks securely in place for security, but still can be moved if necessary. Merwin can wheel me in it or I can use it as a walker.

Yesterday I had an appointment to have Paul cut my hair, but of course could not go. Still, he is such a wonderful artist that I hardly even have to comb it because it just stays in place where it belongs.

Rabbi Lee came before Merwin returned from his water aerobics class, so Lee and I had time to talk about some serious matters, particularly about decisions to be made. I found it very reassuring to talk to him. We also chatted about his several trips to Israel with members of the congregation and why he thinks it's important to go there; a documentary movie he recommended (Killing Katzner), a documentary directed by a young woman, which he saw recently; recollections of his years of study, which included working with a devout rabbi who had studied the Sumerian language; Merwin spoke about our reliance on Babylonian number systems. I also shared some thoughts about my current work, and more, for about an hour. Lee had brought cookies from Diane's but had left behind a little pile of books that he had chosen from my weeding project. He asked to come again with lunch, after Passover. Indeed a pleasure.

The rest of the day was quiet, with the usual mixture of email, work, telephone conversations, and all. What was not usual was what happened to my email. If I have not responded to you since yesterday afternoon it could be because my Eudora email has crashed. I like the program very much but its makers gave up supporting it 5 years ago. Just this past weekend, Harvey convinced Merwin to change to another email program, which he has been struggling with. I didn't want to change, but I think Eudora may be corrupting everything. I rushed to transfer my current work onto a flash drive.

The problem is of course severe at any time, since email is such an important part of my social and working day, but right now it's particularly acute because with the help of excellent librarians from three different cities (all via email of course) who directed me to the correct Google resource, I finally located some documents I need to complete my work on the Sea essay. Hooray! So this is not a good time for a crash of my computer. I wont describe the weirdnesses.

OK, off to breakfast to face all that later! And I will try not to make bad moves today.

Love to all,
Bernice

Bad move

Dear family and friends,

I guess I got a little careless. I was looking for a card to send to Noelle, the wonderful manager at La Z Boy who helped me with a recliner. I leaned over at the waist to open a drawer of a little cabinet and BANG. Big time pain in my hip and back. It lasted all day and persists this morning. It happened so fast that I didn't have a chance to feel that I was doing something wrong. I hope I have not damaged anything. Bill, the Visiting Nurse, will tell me perhaps how to recover when he comes this evening.

Lots of good plans for today and the next days: Rabbi Lee is coming here for a visit this morning. I plan to show him some of my many religion books that he might want for himself or for the synagogue. I hope to have some serious conversations with him today and in future days. I miss his classes very much. Barb will visit tomorrow briefly after classes: NCC vacation starts tomorrow night. I hope to see Rick and Dawn soon. And the writing group plans to meet here on April 15th. Thinking of pleasures to come is always invigorating—even when they don't materialize! But these will, I hope.

Harvey is sending us the Haggadot we will need to follow their Seder on iChat. I hope it works. He will set up his computer on their Seder table, and we will sit right here at my desk. We will miss all the delicious food, of course. Then the next day Jesús will be arriving from Spain. How wonderful it will be to see him.

I did get to the Sea essay yesterday and find I am liking it again. I am adjusting it, taking out some excess (some of the cuts for the talk are good for the published paper too) and adding some new material. My dear friend Camille is looking for some nineteenth-century publications for me and will send me PDF files if she finds what I need. That will be an exciting step. Thank goodness for the Internet: limited as I am these days I can still get to library catalogs, to friends who can help, and even to whole books, thanks to Google.

A very quiet day yesterday. Hoping for improved healing today.

Love to all,
Bernice

Continuing to advance!

Dear family and friends,

Though it was another gray day, as it is this morning as well, yesterday we made some very significant progress. A technician came to draw blood, and I will know pretty soon what's happening in that part of my body. And the Visiting Nurse, Bill, who happens to live right here in Glen Head, arrived late in the afternoon. His specialty is physical therapy, and his goal for me is to get me more mobile. After a standard intake, he watched me move around and manipulated my limbs carefully. The exciting part was his teaching me to negotiate the stairs to the master bedroom, where I have a full bath. He thinks I may want to use the bed in there too instead of the recliner, but I doubt it, not yet. The recliner is very comfortable, easy to get into and out of.

The method for stairs in case you ever need to maneuver with an injury: Once you have rolled over to the stairway with the wonderful wheelie/walker, hold onto the banister with both hands (I will have two banisters as early as later today), lift the good leg (left) onto the step and put full weight on it. Bring the bad leg onto the first stair and gently put it down, keeping the weight of the body on the banister and good leg. Repeat until all four steps are cleared. To come down, turn around, put both hands tight on the banister, descend with the bad leg going first. Though the pubic ramus is in the middle, since I fell on the right hip it's that side that is most injured; probably the break is on that side of the ring (Merwin, who saw the Cat-scan, says it is).

I intend to try the stairs today or tomorrow and have a real shower! Bill's very strong hands helped a lot, of course. I don't want to burden Merwin with that weight (he says "no Problem!"). Bill will return on Wed. evening.

For some reason, I got no return calls from Dr. K, and will have to follow through today: I am out of some meds, and shifted by myself to an older script for pain meds.

The best news is that I sent off my le Harve essay and got in return a lovely greeting from Sarah and Nathalie. The conference starts with a reception on Wed. night. How wonderful it would be to be there among friends! But I knew months ago that I would not be able to go. I am just grateful that the organizers let me be part of the program, which is on filmed Hamlets, in spite of my absence. Did I tell you that one of the conferees suggested that there be a prize for any paper that does NOT mention my work on Hamlet over the years? I thought this was a rather negative idea, so I said jokingly that perhaps there should be a prize for the paper that mentioned my work the most. I have written a lot about the play and in particular about filmed versions.

This scholarly life is a curious business, with some people that are small and petty, and others that are magnificently generous. I have been fortunate to find more of the latter than the former. It's been, and still is, a wonderful occupation—solitary at times but often full of the warmest of friendships. I value the love I feel for (and from) so many of my colleagues.

I had hoped to return to the Sea essay yesterday, but that will have to be later today. I still need some library materials and will have to count on the kindness of friends to help me.

I continue to be able to function in the kitchen pretty well. I used some of the leftover ratatouille that Debbie had prepared ahead to make, as she had suggested, a nice noodle and cheese casserole with it for dinner. Merwin ate leftovers from the retirement dinner for lunch. Today I will do more serious cooking perhaps. My appetite continues to flourish! It's rather amazing.

The sun is peeping out a bit. Yesterday I saw our pair of cardinals. They used to be mainly ground feeders, but now they don't hesitate to get onto the hanging feeder, which I can see from my recliner. Lots of other birds are showing up, but not yet the dreaded sparrows, which though tiny are fierce and scare away other larger birds. Merwin tells me about the daffodils and crocuses in bloom, but I can see for myself the blooms on the trees appearing more bloom-like by the minute: magnolia, fruit trees, and the rest. The 5 surviving gold fish continue to swim around. I can see the glints of orange from the windows.

I look forward to another good day! I heard from Florence yesterday and hope to see her soon. She has promised me some of her delicious vegetarian soup.

Love to all,
Bernice

More planned than accomplished

Dear family and friends,

After some early stiffness, I was able to get from recliner to bathroom by myself again. I am feeling more normal every day. Sometimes, I forget that i cannot just rise from my chair and go fetch something. But I can roll to almost anything I need on this one level.

We stayed up late last night, feeling connected to this historic moment of the beginning of a new era in health care. Wow! when Stupak had to speak against the anti-abortion amendment brought to the floor, that was a tremendous moment. I can sympathize with him a little (not much) for his beliefs, but like many others I deplored his decision to hold up health repair with this one issue. So he had to eat crow, saying that the president's executive order promising no federal funds for abortions was sufficient for him. He was strong, he was tragic. Of course, no federal funds have been allowed to be used to fund abortions for over 30 years. The new bill does allow some very indirect funding to support abortions. Just think, a soldier needing an abortion cannot get one from a military (federal) facility. That was a law passed in the 70s, I believe.

It's a gray day today, the first full day of spring. Yesterday I did make it out onto the deck and soaked up some wonderful, strong sun. The trip was not easy because I had to negotiate one two-inch step. I had never thought of that as a barrier before, but it is when a foot can't be lifted off the ground but must be shuffled along. Still, the good thing is that this whole episode has shown me how resourceful I can be and how much I can accomplish as a temporarily disabled person. It's also made me submerge thoughts and fears about the other more persistent condition, the myelo fibrosis.

The gorgeous flowers that Sandy brought (and had arranged with her special skill) brighten up the dining room table. A card made by Ilona cheers the kitchen table. And all the many photos of family and friends continue to delight. We couldn't go to NYC of course to see Rachael and Michelle's new apartment yesterday, but their dad, Harvey, took lots of photos, so we feel we have been there. It is moving to see my sister's lovely furniture used so well by her grandnieces.

Merwin did go to Elliott's retirement party and enjoyed spending some time with the NCC friends who sat at one table. It sounds like it was a great occasion; I am looking forward to the photos.

Quiet days, thinking of good friends and loving family—and the work that sustains me. I wish everyone in pain relief from their suffering.

Love,
Bernice

Another bright day

Dear family and friends,

We wait anxiously for the vote on health care reform today. Merwin and I have wonderful health care, covered almost 100% between Medicare and the Empire plan from my job at NCC, a state college. We think everyone should have at least as much. Many people do not realize that when those without insurance use the ER, those costs to the hospital are added on to their bills: it would be more cost-effective as well as more humane to cover everyone. Now thousands of people die each year because they do not get care in time; the ER trip is often the last resort.

On my MPD listserv (for the blood disorder I have), I read, horrified, about people who are helped by, for example, Pegasus, but whose insurance company either refuses to pay for it, or withdraws permission to use it after it has been used effectively for some months. Imagine the terror. If only health care were not linked to the workplace: it is particularly hard for small businesses, with a tiny margin of profit, to contribute to health care. Why should this method, started for altogether different business purposes, continue into the future? We should have the single-payer system, run efficiently, without a profit motive, by the government. I will say nothing about the motives of those against the current bill: let it just pass, and the country can deal with fine-tuning afterwards.

Yesterday, once everyone had left and the house was quiet. I completed (I think) my Le Harve paper and will probably email it today after a final read-through. Whew! Laury stopped over for a few minutes yesterday evening with some books I had lent her: and there was my Arden Q1/F1 Hamlet! Too bad I don't keep a list of books I lend. That edition is going to help me today when I return to my Sea essay. Lots of email to answer yesterday and today, too. It's very welcome to hear from friends and family both by phone and email.

Harvey persuaded me to forget about going out of the house today to Elliott's party (how I hate to miss parties!). Dave will come and stay here to ease Merwin's concerns about leaving me, but I think it is merely precautionary. During the night, I was able to get all the way from my recliner to the kitchen to take pills and from there to the little bathroom, and then back to the recliner—all without disturbing his sleep. An hour later, he told me in the morning, he had gotten up and passed by my recliner without waking me. So we are getting better sleep now.

With much back and forth from the master bathroom and bedroom to the little bathroom I am now using, Merwin brought me the supplies I needed to get washed from head to toe, with clean clothes too. He thinks he is getting his exercise with all the trouble he has discerning what I mean by "blue," etc. It'll be nice when I can get up the four stairs to the master bedroom. i am hoping to make it over the sill from my study where I am typing this to the deck right outside. I can see it perfectly, but it would be good to be outside for a while.

I hope all of you have a good day today! And Happy Birthday, Dorothy, my mahatanista on Arthur's side of the family.

Love,
Bernice

Better every day

Dear Friends and family,

Last night I used the walker to get from my new recliner bed to the kitchen to take middle-of-the-night meds. I didn't have to call Merwin, but when he heard me he rolled me to the bathroom. Later I went all the way myself into the bathroom with the walker! I think my body must be wonderfully resilient. There is clear improvement every day.

Last night we had a family dinner with all 4 sons and my two beautiful daughters-in-law. The two couples slept over (for A&D it was the last evening of their visit since Tues.), and then Arthur made us breakfast this morning. Dave stopped over this morning with some cake for breakfast dessert. It was the usual family scene: a couple of the sons especially seem to revert to 10-year-old level, but I just let that roll off my back and enjoy their spirit and intelligence. Harvey bought us a new printer to replace the one that just collapsed a couple of days ago. He set it up and taught Merwin how to use some of its bells and whistles: evidently it does everything but clean the oven and wash the clothes.

Now I am eager to continue testing my new walking skills. No call yet from the Visiting Nurse, but by the time he or she comes, I may not need one! A lab person is coming on Monday to draw my blood, which is something I have done about every two weeks. Sergei did a great job on the support bars in the bathroom. They are strong and safe. He is so good: fast and productive. I can give myself a sponge bath and take care of almost all my needs by myself today. His attitude though is a little on the negative side. He looks at me pityingly: With his Ukrainian accent, he mutters something like "to this we all must come." But I disagree: this is not ALL age-related. I had an accident on a bad piece of sidewalk: Arthur and Debbie went to look at it, and I have been given the job of contacting the township and telling them about this dangerous condition. Then I got Sergey to talk about the 120-year-old people in his village, still drinking their Ukrainian version of vodka, etc., and he cheered up a bit. He is now making me a second banister for the steps leading to my bedroom: once that is in place, I think I can get up and down the stairs without too much difficulty because the stairway is narrow, and the two banisters will be a great support.

Hey, I am not complaining! I feel full of life, full of joy, blessed all around with so much. True we are missing certain events, like the planned visit to see Rachael and Michelle's new Lower East Side apartment (that's where Harvey and Sandy went this morning), but that is merely deferred, and Elliott's retirement party tomorrow looks doubtful, but there will be pictures!

Love to all,
Bernice

Big Improvements

Dear family and friends,

I am sitting here, smiling, enjoying the sun streaming into my study, which is now also my bedroom. I have to brag a little. I think I wrote that when I came home from the ER on Tues. late afternoon, everyone was stymied about how to get me from the car to the house, up the few steps into the house. I suggested my rolling chair, which worked well not only to manage the path and (with a lift from a couple of strong guys) stairs, and also worked well for mobility around the 1st floor of the house, from my study to the rest of the 1st floor. No pain while rolling merrily along.

Well, yesterday, after an incredibly difficult time getting into the comfortable sofa bed in the study and even more difficult getting out of it in the morning, I said, "Why not a recliner chair?" By the end of the day, thanks to Dave's web searches, phone calls from me to a very understanding store manager (Noelle)), and a trip by Arthur and Debbie to a La Z Boy store at the other end of Long Island, I had my recliner, a new model for smallish people like me that was on sale for only $300, and which could be put right into their car. I had a very successful night and rose easily (well, easily enough) from the chair with Merwin's help of course. One works out methods to use what can be used. I also added a new skill: I can now move from the rolling chair to a standing position and over the sill of the bathroom door. Lifting the chair over by man-power is hard. So I am pleased that I am making this progress in only a couple of days.

My thesis adviser, Coleman Parsons, once said to me, "You have common sense that borders on genius." This was when he was visiting here, and he needed some meds. I knew what he meant. I may not have been in the top drawer of intellectual ability, but common sense would bring me through. I think it has. Forgive me, if I am proud of myself!

Debbie keeps cooking up a storm. And I have done a few things in the kitchen too. It's interesting working at wheel-chair level: one gets a new perspective. I made phone calls to both my primary care doctor (no response) and to my hem (instant response) about getting help. I need someone to draw my bloods regularly, to monitor my meds and also to help me cope here. I still cannot walk with the walker. Good Dr.K! I expect to hear from a visiting nurse today.

On other fronts, I returned a lightly edited version of Fernando's essay on Italian Hamlets, and he immediately answered some questions and changed some of my solutions. I sent it off to Jeffery for inclusion on the website, a wonderful addition. That section will continue to grow and prove helpful to many. Also, I am continuing with the essay for the Le Harve book.

We are expecting to have our four sons come for dinner tonight with our two daughters-in-law. We are truly blessed. Debbie and I will be getting the place in order (she will do the work: I will direct from my chair!), and she will be cooking enough for us tonight to freeze a few meals for Merwin in the week to come. She made a wonderful dinner last night: the best spinach salad I think I have ever tasted, with perfectly ripe avocado slices as garnish and with chopped hard-boiled eggs; For the main dish, she made a delicious cabbage and noodle dish. Merwin would have liked the original sweet version of this recipe better than the one Debbie made to suit Arthur and me. I am looking forward to our leftovers for lunch. Nothing wrong with my appetite! For food, for family, for friends, for work, for life.

Love to all,
Bernice

Times goes by so slowly

Dear family and friends,

It's hard to believe that I have been in this fix for less than 48 hours! The time creeps by so slowly. Daughter-in-law Debbie and Dave went shopping and got all the fixings for lunch and dinner. He enjoyed taking her to a range-free chicken farm, a one-man operation, in a nearby community (Lattingtown). He plucked a dozen eggs from the hen houses and made a delicious omelet for his lunch, and we all had a little taste. Fantastic. These eggs are sold locally, and they are truly range-free. Barbara, I thought of you and the chickens in your life and writings.

Debbie likes puttering in the kitchen as much as I do, and her results are beautiful and wonderfully tasty. She has offered to stay when Arthur returns to New Hampshire, but I think it will be better to get some professional help, people who know how to lift a dead weight. I made myself an asparagus egg-beater omelet for lunch, with a little help reaching the burner controls. So I think Merwin and I will be OK as far as meals are concerned.

Getting into and out of bed is very difficult, so I had a nap on a chair, but most of the day was spent on my rolling desk chair. The marvelous Sergey made leg supports for the bathroom sink so I could put my full weight on it as I negotiate my way there. He also made a ramp for the entrance to the bathroom to make it easier to roll my chair over the threshold. Today he will bring the materials for the rails he will install this morning.

We found out precisely what had happened. The good news is that nothing structural broke. Dr. S., the orthopedist, said it is a pubic ramus fracture. If you are curious you can Google this and get the Merck manual description. It's not possible to walk or put full weight on this yet, but nothing is required except help getting around. That's the big deal. Getting into bed last night, and even worse out of bed this morning, was a trial, not possible for me and Merwin to manage by ourselves. So today will be spent in part looking for help.

Vicky, the PT, called with helpful information and telephone numbers to try. We hope to get something set up before Arthur and Debby leave here on Sat. a.m. In the meantime, we started the process of unraveling all the delightful plans for travel to Chicago and much-anticipated meetings there with colleagues, who are also dear friends. I think we have determined that the five of us on the hamletworks.org team will meet here in Glen Head as soon as I can walk, which will take some weeks.

Southwest Airlines was terrific: without any documentation, they simply canceled our tickets and refunded the price without any penalty.

I did a very little work yesterday on my Le Harve essay and on Fernando's essay but hope to accomplish more today, in between the necessary phone calls.

Hearing from so many people with their good wishes made me feel loved. Lee and Murray, who are dealing with their own more serious situation, called to express solidarity. Antoinette, whose daughter was injured badly in a motorcycle accident, found the energy to condole with me about my accident. And so it goes: the circle of friends and all the caring people around me support and sustain me.

I promise I wont dwell on this pubic ramus fracture in my blog. I have to get my mind wrapped around what is good around me—most of all loving family and friends.

Much love,
Bernice

A percoset-tinged blog

Dear family and friends,

Sorry to report that I now have a fractured pelvis. It is painful and immobilizing, but at least I can sit here at my computer and perhaps even hope to return to my essay on TV Hamlets, which must be sent off soon (all I need do is reread and make any little final corrections) and edit Fernando's essay, which is just about "good to go," for the website Both tasks would distract me. That is, if the percoset I am taking allows me to work at all.

I fell violently yesterday morning as I was approaching the door of the physical therapist's office: my shoe caught on a bit of raised sidewalk, and I landed, smack!, on the hip for which I was seeking therapy. After a lot of yelling, which finally attracted the attention of those inside the office, Vicky, the PT, called the fire department (our volunteer emergency service), and Beverly, her secretary, called Merwin to come, and I sat there on the sidewalk. In the hospital, after a long day of waiting—I am sure everyone knows how that goes—a CT scan discovered a fracture, a real one, not a stress fracture. That is, pieces of the bone are separated. This is worse than the stress fracture I got at the 20-mile point while training for the NYC marathon in 1983.

The good news is that the fracture is not in the hip, which would have required surgery. The ER doc wanted to admit me, but we resisted, and after I demonstrated that I could take two steps with his help, he said I could go home with a prescription for percoset and a walker. Dave got both for me, and I began the struggle. Wow! this is painful, but thankfully only when I need to move. But this too will pass.

I am proud of myself for thinking of a way to move around, starting with getting from the car to the inside of the house: we have seats with rollers for our computers, and I suggested that we use one to transport me. Dave got a neighbor to help, and they rolled me into the house, lifting the chair as necessary up the few front steps. I could even push myself along. How we all struggled to manage bathroom visits is just about as awkward as you can imagine.

We set up the sleep-couch in my study on the floor that has no steps to get to the bathroom, kitchen or computer, and Merwin and I slept there. Very comfortable. That is, it would be if I didn't have this fracture. As it is, both in the hospital and at home, I am subject to fierce leg cramps, about which I could do nothing, and moving is quite a task.

Our daughter-in-law Debbie took over the kitchen chores wonderfully gracefully. She and Arthur had arrived for their planned visit from New Hampshire just after I got into the ER. Arthur went to work (his business has an office on Long Island), and Debbie and Dave took care of everything at home.

After a nice supper prepared by Debbie, we worked out ways for me to negotiate the space. Lincoln, who arrived at about 7:30 p.m., was a great help with all his experience as an EMT. I did not sleep well, but then I rarely do.

Looks like Chicago is a bust. But one day at a time: I am better this morning since the area does not seem as frozen as it was yesterday. We will have to see how we are going to work out all the logistics: do we need an aide? Should I go into a PT facility? Discussions with doctors and others today will help us make up our minds. Arthur and Debbie will be here until Friday.

I don't want to go on and on about this, so I'll close now, with fond wishes for all of you. I sense your support flowing through to me.

Love,
Bernice

Losses and Gains

Dear family and friends,

Betty Mosedale wrote me this morning to let me know that her husband John had died. The expected event was peaceful. John is a model for me because in spite of the awareness of the endgame, he had tremendous enthusiasm for ideas, for life, for Hamlet, especially, and for anything intellectual in general, and he refused to face a day without joy. The last communication I had from John himself came a few days ago, asking me to send him my Columbia Seminar paper and also a DVD of a favorite actor discussing Hamlet. Merwin was able to make the DVD for him in time for him and Betty to enjoy it, but he never got to the paper: I think it is good to go with items still in the "IN" box.

A long time member of the Columbia Shakespeare Seminar, John would light up with joy when he and I discussed a book, old or new, that we both appreciated. He was a “civilian” member in that he had never been a Shakespearean academic but a distinguished broadcast journalist. In that I felt a kinship with him because I had not studied Shakespeare as an undergraduate or graduate student but had come to it after a degree in medieval literature. So in a sense he and I were both self taught. The economics of joblessness at the time I received the PhD made me leave medieval literature and turn to a more available outlet for my teaching, research and enjoyment. Shakespeare films shaped my earliest passion for the plays, and the Shakespeare community welcomed me. Able to indulge his interest without concern for publishing or perishing, John had turned to Shakespeare out of sheer love. I will miss our talks and emails, but I won't forget the path he has laid out for me.

My day began with a return to SPIN. I didn't stay the whole time, only about 40 minutes, but I felt good about it. My PT had told me to remain sitting and hold my stomach in. I will be going to her later and will talk to her about little difficulties I am having with my left arm. I hope she can give me some advice. Randi greeted me with a kiss, and it was great to be there.

Yesterday I was able to do my PT exercises at home because Merwin took the main prop, the big red ball, to the JCC to get it filled with air. Today he'll put a hook in a beam so I can do a pull-down exercise with a band. Also, I have to learn how to start the JCC treadmill while walking backwards.

Most of the afternoon, it seems, was spent in Dr. Janus's waiting room. We don't mind the drive there and back because we listen to a talking book, but the wait there is tedious. I read the whole, admittedly paltry, NYT Magazine. But my news is good. The lungs are only slightly worse after the too-quick prednisone taper. I have recovered from the bad two or three days of last week when I went down too fast, evidently. It's such a mix: the lift I get from the drug and the danger of all the bad things it can cause. Dr. Janus ran through the list. Almost all of the effects can be perfectly normal; that is, they could happen without using the drug, so it's difficult to know what to blame for such things as the onset of diabetes or the growth of cataracts. Anyway, I have a new prescription for 2.5 mg pills that I can use to taper more slowly, from 35 to 32.5, and so on instead of 35 to 30, but I wont taper any more until after I return from Chicago on Easter Sunday. I want to be at my best for the conference, chipmunk cheeks be damned.

Lots to look forward to: work, play, family, music, all with loving Merwin at my side and wonderful visitors expected: tonight Arthur and Debbie.

Hope to hear from you soon and with special loving thoughts for dear friends in need of a big hug.
Love,
Bernice

Another rainy day

Dear family and friends,

The high point of the day was the Baroque concert at Teddy Roosevelt's church in Oyster Bay. We have enjoyed all the concerts very much this year, but this one was a capper, the last one of the season. The program was called "The Incomparable Gem: Johann Sebastian Back 1685 - 1750," and what a gem he is. The first half of the program featured familiar pieces: Concerto in F major, transcribed by Louise Schulman, the group's violist, for viola, strings, and continuo (harpsichord), from harpsichord alone. As the conductor, she stood as she played, bending her knees, flowing with the music as she bowed: she plays with such joy always. There were two violins, a violincello, two violas, and a violone (almost as large as a bass and perhaps as deep in tone: Florence, do you know the violone?). For the next piece, the flute entered the picture and took center stage, playing Suite No. 2 in b minor, with violone, one viola (Schulman), one violin, and harpsichord. After the intermission, came the huge pleasure of hearing the Hofstra University Chamber Singers performing the Cantata "Christ lag in Todesbandon," accompanied by members of the ensemble: harpsichord, violone, and strings.

The program included the words in German, in rough translation, and in smooth translation (in three columns), so the audience could follow. I love having a little bit of German in my life. I can read it and follow its meaning fairly well (especially with crib columns in parallel).

I was reminded of hearing Kathryn's wonderful singing at Hofstra before I knew her. I was reminded of the Sundays my sister Mildred and I went to hear fantastic cantatas and other Bach music at Emmanuel church in Boston, a brief respite from the sickroom of her daughter, my niece, Eve. The church in Oyster Bay has acoustics that can match those of the much larger church.

At the end. there was a community sing, with members of the Hofstra Ensemble joined by some members of the audience, who had come from various other choral groups, I think 3. The general audience was invited to participate also: the words in English were on the program but not the notes, so I didn't want to join in; I wanted to listen completely. The sound was magnificent, thrilling, filling the air with glorious music.

A treat was recognizing, sitting in our pew, a teacher from North Shore High School who had worked with Lincoln and remembered him. She looks amazingly the same to me. I recognized her but couldn't place her, but Merwin was able to identify her by name. We chatted briefly: she remembered Lincoln, whom she had been fond of, and she knew a lot about the rest of of us too. This goes back over 30 years!

It being a very rain-stormy day, the concert started late because of the difficulty traveling: trees were down, roads closed, and we had to find alternate roads both going to and coming from the concert. The rest of the evening was spent quietly working and watching a bit of wild Bill Maher on TV.

Earlier, Merwin had sighted a glint of gold in our little backyard pond. At least 5 goldfish had made it through the winter. When the water freezes, they burrow into the mud at the bottom and hibernate. This transition is a tricky time for them, with little herbage to hide under to escape predators. This group survived a year ago, and is getting bigger and tastier, I am afraid. They are one of the pleasures of the season, swimming in their little school.

Another rainy day today! But not too cold, and the rest of the week should be warm and dry. The plan is to work today and later see Dr. Janus about the prednisone taper.

Love to all,
Bernice

Spring ahead

Dear family and friends,

The words "Spring ahead" convey so much: The season spring IS ahead; we can feel it in the air in spite of the gray skies this morning, the aftermath of a very rainy day yesterday that is continuing today. In the backyard and the deck, where no snow was shoveled into piles, the snow had disappeared already. Now, even in the front yard and in the streets, where it had been piled high, it is completely absent, bare pavement all around. Spring also suggests the lift in spirit we get when the day lasts longer, when the days get warmer. Last fall, I didn't know if I would see another spring, but here I am, very much here indeed.

Yesterday was a quiet day, as planned. Phone calls, emails, of course, but I didn't even step out of the house all day. We did have a wonderful iChat with Lee and Murray, our dear mahatunim (Yiddish for the parents of the person married to one's child: no word for that relationship exits in English, perhaps because there IS no relationship so often among English-speaking people). Lee is facing a more dire illness than mine, pancreatic cancer, and Murray is facing it with her, her support as he has been these 60-odd years of marriage.

We have a lovely relationship with our dear Sandy's parents. Year after year, we see each other at family events, usually in Connecticut. I wondered if Lee, as sick as she is, could try for a last visit for Passover. If she would be able to go, so would we make the effort as well. Though Lee was her usual bright and interested self on the iChat, she does not feel up to taking the trip: too much pain needs to be managed, and meds are not working well for her. Still, she had gone out shopping with Murray during the day and then recovered with a long nap. But all these things, as I know well, are easier at home, with one's own comforts. Anyway, seeing each other on iChat was a simple pleasure of the day.

The main work of the day was a bean soup, long simmering on the stove. I worked on hamletworks.org but more importantly finished up the paper for Le Harve. It's too bad we can't go; I don't have the will to travel far from my doctors. Too much to take care of here. This conference, organized brilliantly by Sarah and Nathalie whom we enjoy being with so much, is a delight: I have had the pleasure of being part of it in the past. It's an invitational and fully paid--airfare, hotel, meals, etc. I have a yearning feeling about it, especially because it would have given us the chance to be with our dear friends Michèle and Raymond, but I think the SAA meeting will be a steep enough test of my endurance.

Another string of angel lights arrived yesterday, and I am wondering where they will go and how they will look. The lights themselves are great: LED, very low wattage, and very long lasting, and lovely, but the wire they are strung on is green. I knew that when Dave ordered them for me, but I thought we could manage. Dave, with his design skills, will help.

The extra prednisone has puffed up my cheeks more than ever and increased my appetite as well. But this too shall pass. My resting breathing is very good.

We phoned the girls (Rachael and Michelle) to see how their move went, but no response yet. We hope to see them next weekend, when we will try to arrange a get-together with them and Harvey and Sandy when Arthur and Debbie are here. More plans! the secret of a forward-looking life, whether they materialize or not!

Love to all,
Bernice

Best laid plans

Dear family and friends,

Ta da! The news you are all waiting for! I think the paper went well in spite of a couple of glitches. Becky had arranged for a microphone, connected to a podium, so Kathryn sat near me but not right next to me. With the arrangement as it was, I could not put the transparencies on the machine by myself, which meant that I had to hand them to Merwin, who placed them for me. A bit awkward. But we three managed. With the extra prednisone again, I thought I might be able to read the whole paper, so began by reading the parts I had marked up for Kathryn. Eventually, though, I had to turn them over to her. She reads beautifully and got a big round of applause when I introduced her at the end. But in spite of a few awkward moments in delivery, it seemed to capture the interest of those who were there. Though I had practiced to check the timing and cut the paper again the day before, and even cut it on the spot, it went on much too long because of various problems and cut into the available time for discussion. But the responses were positive overall. I realize, though, how complicated the topic is for those who do not know anything about John Payne Collier, the Shakespearean scholar and forger. At the end, Joe said something very complimentary to the group as a whole to end the meeting and then to me individually when I responded to individuals who came up to the podium. He's been a partisan all along and an early reader of and helpful commentator on the paper from the beginning.

In spite of the bad weather, quite a few people came, not only regulars, but several of my friends: Toby and Elliott, Rhoda and Mark, Sami and Steve. Naomi of course schlepped in from New Jersey, and Irene came in spite of Marty being in the hospital. Jay, the good helpful librarian from the NYPL, was there. It was so kind of him to come. Though not everyone I had expected came, the dining room and seminar room were both quite full.

The most moving moment for me came in the pre-talk announcements: June delivered with Irene’s help a little history of the seminar that she had come upon recently going through Shakespeare Bulletin documents, a child one may say of our Shakespeare seminar. She told us that Bernie Beckerman had been, with Irene, one of the originators of the group in 1981 and that he had arranged for its status as a Columbia University seminar in 1983. She went on to say that each year in Bernie's honor, for the 24 years since his death, we name one speaker a year "The Bernie Beckerman Memorial Speaker," and this year that person had been Meredith Skura, our Sept. speaker. Then she paused for a second: The board, however, had decided to honor a second person this year, and then she named me. I was moved to tears (not unusual for me of course, but still heartfelt: I was very moved). Since I am a member of the board, they arranged this without telling me, of course. My paper had not been scheduled at the beginning of the year: I filled in last night for the originally scheduled speaker who bowed out about 6 weeks ago. Giving me a little time to compose myself, Harry then introduced me with much praise for my work, especially hamletworks.org.

Harry had dropped the bombshell earlier that his press and all others under the rubric of Associated University Presses would close immediately. I didn't get a chance to ask him about the backlog of books and who would get the Presses' rights to the books. His press published two of my books. I have the rights only to one of them, the run having sold out, and it is now on hamletworks.org.

I am sitting here before 5 a.m. after a very difficult night: 4-5 shirt changes and many foot cramps. It's a good thing that with the storm expected today we decided to modify our plans entirely for the weekend: Luckily, we had the pleasure of the plans themselves to keep us happy for many days before yesterday. So instead of an early train to the City, we took the car directly to Columbia and listened to our talking book. And afterward we were able to drive Barbara home and John to his car in Greenvale. We will, then, probably not see Rachael and Michelle today and we will not be going to the Morgan Library for the Jane Austen show. Too bad. However, a night such as I had would have been very difficult in the City. Without an extra room to retreat to, I would have disturbed Merwin all night.

So I am looking forward, not with too much regret, to a quiet day. I hope there will be some time to spend with Laury, who couldn't come last night, and for some work together on Measure for Measure.

Dr. K had left a phone message saying she was glad that I was feeling better and that I had an appointment on Monday with Dr. Janus. Ill phone her of course when I get the news about the prednisone taper. I hope I can do this so that I don't get breathing problems and don't get some of the mishaps that come with prednisone use.

Eventful days followed by quiet days, the pattern of my life. Hoping to spend more of those days with you, whether on this blog or otherwise,

Love,
Bernice

A bit of a drag

Dear family and friends,

In hindsight, I wish I had pushed to keep the prednisone as it was after the first taper, at 35 mg., a little longer. The taper was having an effect on me already, and what happened at 30 mg was a return of the breathing problem. Now I am pretty sure I can't read my whole paper tonight, so I will have Kathryn at my side with another copy of the paper, where I have marked places for her to take over. She is a gorgeous reader, can do better than I can in any case, so I think it will work out all right. To tell you the truth, I have turned against my paper. I have lost my love for it.

The plan now is to return to 35 mg. a day (which I took at 3 a.m.) and to take an extra 10 mg this afternoon before the meeting. I hope this perks me up. I am to phone Dr. Janus and make an appointment for her to look at my lungs, to see if the intrusions have reappeared. O2 is down a bit, to 92 or 93. Did I mention that Dr. Mascarenhas thinks that the intrusions could be from the bone marrow, trying to get some results for my body? Weird, isn't it. Marvelous too.

Anyway, the weekend is shaping up in spite of the deluge that is expected. We will go into the City this morning, have a rest before going to Columbia, see many friends there, then tomorrow see Rachael and Michelle, who, poor things, are moving in what promises to be the wettest day of the year.

Yesterday was George's last day with us. He is a sweet kid, remarkably young. Not having taught for over 10 years, and having grown children and grandchildren, I had forgotten what 20-year-olds are like. Surprising to me that I have forgotten. I guess I just expect everyone who looks like an adult to be an adult. It was helpful to him to stay with us so he could have his experiences with doctors during procedures, and it was no trouble at all. As we were having our last hour with him, while he was waiting for his aunt to pick him up, we forgot all about filling the red ball with air! How do we do that? So this morning, I did my exercises on a very saggy ball. Yes, Vaughan, it is funny. I have to laugh myself!

Love to all,
Bernice

Missed a day!

Dear family and friends,

For the first time in a long time, I didn't write a blog yesterday. Not that nothing happened on Tues, which is the day I would have written about, but I can combine Tues and Wed pretty well. Our son's former student, George, has been staying with us while he tags along with a doctor friend of Harvey's. He's no trouble at all, since he is out of the house in the morning and does not return till evening. Last night, one of his many family connections took him out for dinner, so basically we did not see him all day. I did manage to snag him to do a couple of chores for us, which he did very happily. Now boxes of medieval books that had decorated the front foyer are in the basement, and newspapers are neatly packed for this morning's pickup. Tonight another relative will be packing him up here and taking him to her house for a few days, and from there he will return to Yale. George was staying with us because the doctor he is tagging lives in Sea Cliff. making it easy for him to pick George up here.

Most of the last two days have been spent getting my talk for Friday in order. I had to cut it to fit the time scheme at the Columbia Shakespeare Seminar, but I can put everything back for the printed version. So that will mean another go-around. Of course, I hope to hear questions and objections that I will try to respond to. I also spent time on Tues on notes for Measure for Measure, but not as much as I should have. (I am always reminding myself not to should on myself.)

The exercises I received from Vicky, the PT, seem very good. I did them without much trouble, though they do get my pulse rate up. Merwin with my help pumped up my old red ball so I could sit on it for some of the exercises. If he can grab George later, we both think it can get better with a little more strength.

The main medical news is that having tapered the prednisone Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in the middle of the night, I was dismayed by the effect the lower dose seems to have: I needed to rest a couple times in bed and I even fell asleep during the days. I like the energy and the up feeling that the prednisone was giving me. I want to be in good shape for the SAA conference. I have a call in to Dr.K to talk about it: she wanted me to report after two days, so it seems she was expecting some effect rather quickly. I hope to talk to her today.

This too will pass,
Love to all,
Bernice

Distractions

Dear family and friends,

Not as much got done with Measure for Measure as I had wished. Too many distractions. In the morning after a little work, we went to see Dr. K, who seemed to be pleased with my progress. I started at 2:30 a.m. this morning tapering the prednisone. This is not easy to do. That is, the body reacts with dismay when you take the drug away. So I am to call her after 2 doses of 30 mg. (on Wed.). I am not sure what she'll be looking for. I realize that without the pneumonia, and with the prednisone, my mood is definitely being chemically enhanced. I am not complaining! In fact, I wonder if I will like being without the mood-enhancing effect. I just hope I can continue smiling. I like to feel happy.

By prior arrangement, I met Antoinette there. She makes appointments far apart, and comes from a long distance, so I like to catch her when I can. She looks good. Our time together, though, was too short. We need to make better arrangement, maybe lunch or something after our appointments.

Dr. K was a little concerned about what she heard when listening to my heart and had a nurse do an EKG. She sent the results, which looked fine, to Dr. Goldberg, our coordinating doctor who is also a cardiologist, then spoke to him about the EKG by phone. He said I was OK: he had looked at his e-records about the Holter and at the EKG and thought I was good to go: he doesn't have to see me about it. Isn't modern medicine wonderful? Isn't the communication among all the doctors we go to productive? The good news is that the blood values look good, and I am to continue, as Dr. Mascarenhas suggested, on 1500 HU per day.

Afterward on the way home from New Hyde Park we did a little shop at the kosher Persian store, which carries all kinds of unusual items and has a pretty nice array of meat. I miss my old butcher, Barry, who was always so good to me, but his store is just too far away. We got chicken livers, which I broiled for Merwin for his lunch, and chopped meat for a meat loaf I was planning for the evening. Once a staple of the household, it hardly ever comes into play now that our four sons have left the nest, and I have forgotten how I used to do it. I don't think I got it quite right: 1 and 1/2 lbs chopped meat, 2 beaten eggs, 3/4 C of bread crumbs, 1 can tomato paste and two cans of water to rinse out the paste (I used to use catchup, but we don't keep that condiment around anymore), a little chopped onions and garlic, sauteed thoroughly in olive oil, and a little oregano, fresh from the freezer. It looked all right, and Merwin said it tasted all right, but there are some things I cannot produce from memory. Good recipe anyone?

It's unusual for me to make Merwin 2 full meals: he rarely eats that much. But the chicken livers were just fortuitous, and in the evening we had a guest, George, a student at Yale whom Harvey has taken under his wing since having him in his Freshman class last year. George will be staying with us for a few days. Harvey hooked George up with a doctor who lives nearby, a former student of Harvey's I believe, who does robotic surgery. This doctor will pick up George every morning for the next few days and show him his ropes through the day. As a pre-med student, George is just finding his way.

Earlier in the day, I went to Vicky, the physical therapist who had helped me with my thumb. She is highly regarded by both orthopedists I went to, the hand man Dr. Facibene and the generalist Dr. Steinwurzel. They both showed enthusiasm for her (more than for anyone else they had on their lists) when mentioning her as a possibility. Fortunately her office is 2 minutes from my house by car, a straight path down Glen Head Rd. I have a slew of exercises to do, and the good news is that she thinks I can return to SPIN by the weekend, if I remain seated on the bike except for 15-minute intervals of standing for 5 minutes at a time. The other class will be harder to rejoin, but I'll see what Vicky can show me about modifying Mimi's workout.

Do you get the impression I didn't do much with Measure for Measure? I took a few notes, but most of the day, indeed, was spent I am not sure how—though the play did float around my mind all the time. There is a clear path to the play today, and I hope to write some useful things about it.

Until tomorrow, then,
Love,
Bernice

More about Sunday

Dear family and friends,

It's Monday afternoon, and I just got a book from the Princeton library, courtesy Starry—Thank you, Starry!—which wants to pull me back into the talk I am giving at the end of the week, but I am going to resist because I must take notes about the MM production, if I am going to write about it meaningfully. Details are everything in academic reviewing: this is meant to convey to a future audience of scholars what a production was like. Since Laury and now Rick will have seen the production, I can share my notes with them. I need to get the notes down now, as soon as I finish this blog entry.

Sunday morning I spent working on hamletworks.org, entering material related to THE PAPER. I have a little bit of a question about how kosher it is to write a paper that refers to work I have done elsewhere: there is a limit to how much one can blow one's own horn, though for sure there are not many out there in the world ready to blow my horn for me. If not me, Who? And if not now, When? You may recognize this tune, the original of which is credited by some to Ahad Ha-am.

The trip to NYC worked well. This is the first time in a long time, months, since I have gone in without leaning on Merwin's arm. He was going to a local concert at Hillwood with Phe, and I was meeting Rick at the Duke Theater. All went well. Merwin drove me to Port where I got a train to Woodside and from there took a subway to Times Square, a short walk from the theater.

I enjoyed this experience even more than I had the first (back on 14 Feb. with Merwin, Laury, and José Ramón, and with Betty elsewhere in the audience), probably because I was in a better seat and also because I was more alert to the choices Arin Arbus, the director of the play, had made. Instead of surprise I had confirmation and the possibility of assessing and evaluating. By the end, I was crying. Not a huge surprise from me because I cry very easily, but I did not see any other tears around me through my own tears.

Rick had parked his car in Chelsea, so I waited on the corner of 8th and 42nd (luckily it was warm) until he came by and we drove to Long Island. Because Merwin had not eaten much during the day, only soup for lunch, I urged him, once we got in a huge traffic jam (where were all these people going on a Sunday afternoon and early evening?), to begin his supper, and directed him to a freezer packet of food.

Rick and I enjoyed our chance to be together, chatting about teaching, his plans for the future, changes in the direction of his work, what I have been doing, and all the rest that engages us. At home, I whipped up a quick and perhaps not quite wonderful supper, but we ate and were satisfied: it was a truncated version of fried rice with egg and leek. He took some NCC interlibrary loan books I have; he'll return these and pick up a new batch and bring them to me when he gets a chance.

And so to bed.

Though all around me is not well and there is much to bemoan, I continually have a—probably drug induced—smile on my face. I feel very well today, but I'll write as usual about the events of today tomorrow morning. For now it's back to Measure for Measure.

Love to all,
Bernice

Staying focused on Measure for Measure

Dear family and friends,

Yesterday's photo: to see it clearly and fully, click on it to enlarge it. Use the scroll bar at its bottom edge to move across the room. Let me know if this does not work for you.

Saturday, we didn't go out until evening, when we went to Tilles again to listen to the London Philharmonic, guests of Sophie and Brendan. Sophie is on the Board, having been asked because of her high energy and creative ideas. She is also on the Board of NeMLA, the Northeast Modern Language Association.

Our seats were fantastic: the soloist and conductor stood exactly in front of where we sat in the 10th row. The concert was to benefit the Tilles Center Endowment Fund, and well-dressed people abounded. People of all ages, too, including young folks from youth orchestras. Great to see more hair colors than grey.

The program was perfect: Beethoven's Concerto in D major for Violin and Orchestra, Opus 61, and Brahms's Concerto No. 2 in D, Opus 73. Vladimir Jurowski was the conductor, and Yossif Ivanov, a 23-year-old, was the solo violinist for the Beethoven. Wow! The Beethoven was a little slower and chunkier than the versions we have (several), but the slim, young conductor clearly had something in mind and used finger twitches of all kinds as well as arm and body movements to convey his desires. The war horse got some new fittings. The violinist and conductor seemed connected to each other in some mystical way.

Lovely too to be with Sophie and Brendan two days in a row! We saw the Dzens there, but didn't really get a chance to talk. Sophie and I reminisced about Teddy Bookman's Friends of the Arts, which she built up from scratch. When we returned home, I emailed Teddy about the apartment next door to ours on 40th St. which is for sale. She wants to leave Atlanta and return to the City.

Merwin made me transparencies for the talk next Friday. I can't show too many of them, because of time constraints, but I can flash a few, and he is making more than I can use from which I can make a selection, as necessary. I like a bit of spontaneity. He is suffering from his cracked (probably) rib. My similar injury took exactly 5 weeks to go from agony to normal. He's a fast healer, and not as good a patient, so he will force himself to heal quickly.

Lovely sunshine this morning, and I hope to enjoy a nice day in the City with Rick at Measure for Measure.

Love to all,
Bernice

Going out and staying in

Dear family and friends,

Dave made me this photo of the bedroom, so I can show you what we've done. But his photo is so artistic that I am not sure it conveys the cosy feeling I get when I am in the room: it wraps around four walls: you are standing at the entrance to the room. Everything is about done: the angel lights are up (hooray, Barbara, for your inspiration), the switch plate arrived and Merwin mounted it, and other items that I thought would have to be changed can remain as they are after all. What you can't see in the photo are the silhouette shades on the front windows. They are translucent, which works well on this west-facing wall. About half of the bookshelves have been removed from the wall at the left to allow room for pictures. On the other walls you can see, the mahogany-colored wall board has been painted what I hoped was mango ( as a reminder of Michèle and Raymond's beautiful home in Rouen) but what turns out to be more like peach. But I am happy with it: it's so light and bright after the deep brown. The compromise worked: no major construction was required and only two walls and a little were actually painted, including a panel with the same color on the wall to the left which remains brown. Sergey, the painter, had good ideas; one was to use a lighter and glossier shade for the closet doors. You can just see one of the doors far to the right. You can also see see the high window with fir tree branches visible: that's where the old air conditioner was. Now we have the new Mitzubishi unit up higher, with its compressor outside—both very silent and energy efficient.

A word on compromise: Merwin and I are both satisfied. Neither got what he/she wanted: he: status quo; me: complete workover. I am completely happy with the result and no longer even want the bigger job I had originally thought I wanted. I am happy because not only am I satisfied but Merwin is also. I wish compromises could work out as well or the health care bill, which the country needs so badly.

Yesterday was one of those good days all around. Our First Friday lunch went well with eight of us present: Rita, Gladys, Ilona, Lori, Joan, Lee, Ann, and I. Ilona had the brilliant idea of using the occasion to celebrate Gladys's 90th birthday, which happened a couple of weeks ago. An artist, she made a lovely card, which we all signed, and we presented Gladys with two lovely primrose plants for her window sill. At the end, Gladys's dessert was brought out (cobbler with ice cream) with a large candle lit stuck in the large scoop of ice cream, and we sang the song. Polly, Rita's husband, arrived just in time to take our picture, which I will post when I get it.

In the evening, we went to a ballet program at Tilles by The Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet Co. Going anywhere is easier now that we have the handicapped parking permit. It means a minimum of walking. Not that walking is always bad; not at all, but with this hip problem, less is more. Much of the program was delightful. This large company consists of dancers who range in age and size and build in an attractive way, an all-inclusive way. Without this hip problem (and no spleen), I could imagine myself among them, miming their athleticism. The first piece used Bach's "Jesu, Meine Freude." The point of the second piece escaped me, with music from a movie soundtrack and very very dark lighting (if that's not an oxymoron). But the last piece brought joy to all, with its wide variety of lively music, including most memorably, especially in these pre-Passover days, a playful physical response (I can't call it dancing) to "Ehad Mi Yodea" (Who Knows One), mainly a lot of dancers sitting on chairs and vigorously responding to the number game. I laughed aloud, not just because of the music and words (in Hebrew which I know well from decades of singing this song), but because of the energetic and constantly surprising movements from a seated position in chairs.

During the long intermissions, we chatted with Barbara, an old friend from aerobic dancing days; Jerry, a friend from RSNS; and Sophie and Brendan, out dear almost family. We are seeing them tomorrow night also at Tilles, for a London Symphony orchestra program. Are we lucky? We have this wonderful venue a 10 minute drive from our house along a most pleasant traffic-free route.

Before, after, and in between the two social/ aesthetic events I worked on my essay, acting on my impulse to shorten it for the spoken presentation. I'll see what I want to do for the published version, which can be longer. I think it's going well. Merwin, in spite of the rib, went to Staples to get supplies to make the transparencies for the talk. I hope to start on that later today.

And I found out more from Amy Rodriguez at Mt. Sinai. She adds new people to their drug trial in batches, and she enrolls three at a time. She thinks it will take about a month to get me in. When she knows I can be considered, she will have me come in to sign the consent form (I must sign it there and within 30 days of the start of my participation in the trial). Then I will have the workup, including bone-marrow biopsy. Once I am in, I have to come in weekly for checkups for a few weeks, and then more spaced out visits will follow, with tests continued. If I don't get sick from the drug and if it helps control my blood values, I will stay on the trial. If not, I've off, looking for something else.

I am rather reluctantly looking at the tapering of the prednisone. Now that I know that it isn't the cause of my hip problem, I am not so eager to get rid of it. I have not had this much energy for months and months, and I like it. Everyone admires my chipmunk cheeks (except me of course). I am hoping that the tapering will be slow enough to keep me going through the month of April, the SAA meeting, and lots of other activities.

Many fond hopes for the future, but in the meantime, I concentrate on this one lovely day.

Hoping to see you all soon!
Love,
Bernice