Friday, a day before Halloween

I wonder if the 1st two pills (T&P) I took at bedtime had an effect? It's so hard to say. I did have an extremely wet night, many changes of night shirts, each one soaking wet. I think the pills are supposed to be soporifics, so maybe I slept through the first minutes of wetness and proceeded to a drenching. Time will tell.

I have an urge (that I am trying to suppress) to contact everyone I know who has been on prednisone: I have never heard anything good about the side effects. So maybe I'll wait to see what they are for me: who knows? many people on the MPD list cannot tolerate HU, but it has not been a problem for me or for Merwin.

Though I didn't go to a spin class today, I did get a couple of washes done, and later we went to the store to shop for a few items for supper. I will try Brussels sprouts as in the NYT recently, and I'll do the fish dish again (of last week), but this time with flounder, slightly modified in subtle ways (ha!).

But the highlight of the day was a long iChat with our dear friends Michèle and Raymond, who are soon going to be traveling again (this time to London). What peripatetic friends! Their news was all pretty good, especially the fact that the book on early modern English literature that Michèle has been working on (sometimes "off" for no fault of her own) for years is finally out. She has several hundred pages of her work in it. Here is the title and publication info in case you know anyone who wants to spring for this 2-volume boxed set: Théâtre élisabéthain/,
Gallimard, Bibliothèque de la Pléiade, publié sous la direction de Line
Cottegnies, François Laroque et Jean-Marie Maguin. Sortie en librairie le
22 octobre 2009.

I don't read French very well, but I do know that Gallimard is an important name in publishing.

And the afternoon so far has finished up with yet another draft of my recent essay. It's amazing what happens: I think it's perfectly fine; then I wait several days and read it again, and ---ooops--mistakes, infelicities--- so I revise. It really seems pretty good to me now, but again I'll sit on it for a few more days. eager though I am to get it in the mail to some journal.

Now for supper prep, and soon after that pills and bed.

Love to all,
Bernice

Thursday and back home from NYC

It's amazing what happens to time when one spends an overnight anywhere away from home. It seems so much longer! Yesterday, we hurriedly did all the maneuvers required to get the thalidomide and prednisone (which are taken together) in time to take the 12:52 p.m. train to the City. The short story is that somehow I left the prednisone in our car at the station in Glen Head, so that when I had to take my 1st thalidomide at night in NYC, I went on a frantic search for the prednisone--in my bag, pockets, wherever I could think of. There are not many places to look in a 2 x 4 studio apartment. The upshot was that I didn't get my first double dose, and my hem wanted me to start ASAP. When we returned home today we found the prednisone in the car, thank goodness. So tonight, with some trepidation, I will start the new course of treatment. I am already on 1000 mg. of Hydroxyurea (HU); that and the other meds for this and that and the antihistamines I take for itching make me very tired. I don't think the blood condition itself causes the fatigue; it's all the cures! Well, we'll keep trucking, hoping that I'll be among the 30% who see some improvement with these new drugs. By the way, if you are interested, the price for thalidomide, off-list, is $4,700 per month ( believe: covered by Medicare. Wow! Of course, they are able to negotiate a very much lower price from the drug company.

When we got to the City, we had a nap as planned, then went to the library where I was able to use a database in the Allen Room (where I am lucky enough to have a shelf and privileges) and print out a brand new essay that I needed to see for an essay I am writing.

Then we packed up the playbill that Paula Glatzer had given me years ago--of the nineteenth-century actor Macready in his first appearance as Hamlet--and went two doors down to a FedEx office. We mailed it to the Folger Library, to which we are donating it. So thanks, Paula, because it's partly your donation too.

Then we got dressed for our lovely dinner at Koi, the elegant restaurant in the hotel next door. As we pass by their door now and then we notice all the handsome people waiting in a line to get in. No one questioned our admittance because we had a reservation for the 6 of us, and a good time was had by all. I remained wide awake and cheerful throughout.

Finally the night, but I won't write about that. The usual miserable very few hours of sleep. Why does fatigue go with sleeplessness?

But this morning I was ready again to face the day. Harvey treated us to breakfast at Au Bon Pain, then he Merwin went to the Met to see some exhibits, and I went to the NYPL to do some work. Finally home again and supper at home--some of that spinach pie from the freezer. Actually I think it is better frozen and reheated than it was straight out of the oven. Less salty. We had to test its freezer-staying power because I am going to make one of these for our Thanksgiving weekend in Connecticut.

More tomorrow: I hope I have nothing to report about the overt effects of "T & P" as I will call them.

Love to all,
Bernice

Weird ups and downs

Yesterday, exhaustion set in so that when I went to my hem in the afternoon, I had to lie down on the examining table instead of sitting. But after I came home I actually took a real nap and woke up feeling chipper and energetic. Evening energy! How odd. I did go to sleep early anyway, and didn't have to change nightshirts even once! That's a first for a while.

So now we are going to start this thalidomide-prednizone treatment--I say "we" because Merwin is so much a part of it. It's quite a rigmarole to get thalidomide because it's off list, not OKed for this purpose. The side effects may be difficult.

I went to the exercise class again today, so I don't think I'll mention that again: I intend to go every day that I am in Glen Head. I am feeling really good now and just hope it lasts through the day when we meet son Harvey, daughter-in-law Sandy, and their twins for dinner tonight. And I am eager to get to the NYPL today too. Let's see how it works out.

One exciting thing: we got our new air conditioners all installed beautifully. These replace our noisy in the wall units. They are made by Mitsubishi and have the compressors outside, so that's where the noise is (but not too bad). We are supposed to get a tax rebate for changing to these energy-efficient units. I am thrilled that I will be able to breathe more easily with air coming in without blowing me away. The units went high up near the ceiling in 4 rooms, quite an installation job. Merwin participated in several ways and enjoyed watching these experts at work.

Goodbye for now,
Love,
Bernice

Dr. Raza's report: so now what?

The report from Dr. Raza at St. Vincent's CCC arrived late yesterday afternoon, too late to call my local hem. (hematologist to civilians), but I will be phoning her this a.m. when office hours start. It was a disappointment all over again to read that INCYTE (the trial drug) is a JAK2 inhibitor. JAK2 is the bad gene I developed some time during my life, relatively late it seems, probably from some sort of environmental insult. Merwin also has a Myeloproliferative Disorder (MPD for short), a blood condition something like mine, but not the JAK2 gene, and maybe that's why he does not have overt symptoms, only high platelets, kept in control by Hydroxyurea (HU), a mild chemotherapy, the same one I take. Evidently, from the report, being on HU is partly what is keeping me off the INCYTE trial--that and low platelets, down now to 56: I had to have a minimum of 100. So we'll see where we go on from here. I am hopeful that something good will happen to make me more energetic and give me happy working days.

Yesterday I went to the 7:45 class again, and stayed the whole time. But later I was a bit down in spirits and didn't find the usual pleasure I get from the various tasks awaiting me on my computer.

When Louise invited us to come to dinner and a movie with her and Paul, Merwin thought it would be a good idea; Being with people I like often energizes me. But it turned out that the feeling of collapse that happens when I get too tired started well before the movie, so we went home, and I went to bed.

But this morning, after a rather bad night, I woke up feeling fine at about 4:40 a.m. and was eager to try the 6:30 a.m. SPIN class. I did it! Got through the whole class. People were happy to see me after this long absence of about 7 weeks since I had tore my meniscus (right knee). With such welcoming greetings, it's easy to feel happy. I took it very easy, hardly worked up a sweat, but, forced to breathe deeply, I think I gave my lungs a good workout. Back home, I ate another square of spinach pie: good as ever.

And now for the rest of the day . . . .

Love to all,
Bernice

Missed a day

Catching up: my last post was on Sat. Sunday I woke up with the blahs, very unusual for me. Mornings are usually my best time. But I had made the mistake of taking Tylenol PM the night before, and it took many daytime hours for the effects to wear off. Plus I had a fever, not very high, but high enough to push me down: 100.5. OK, enough with the excuses.

I had no recourse but to make the recipe from the NYT for which I had already purchased all the ingredients: "Sara's Spinach Pie." I wanted to see if this could be a standard for us. It took me about 3 hours to prepare and almost another to bake, so I would have to say this was not an easy recipe. As I went along I figured out ways to make it simpler, so next time it will take less time. Anyway, we had it for our mid-day meal, and it was quite good. I froze some to see how that would work, shared some with the Martins (friends and neighbors), and I had some reheated for breakfast this morning (very good), and some room temperature (also good). If you want my shortcuts, email be at bkliman@optonline.net.

Probably I was moving slowly through this recipe process because of my energy level, so it could go faster in the future. Later that day, my dear friend Laury Magnus came over to give me a copy of an essay I had written as commented on by her husband Boris Jakim (thanks, Boris) and to talk a little about the interview that the Shakespeare Newsletter has asked her to conduct with me about hamletworks.org, our team's website, and we also went for a walk along the water in Sea Cliff. The day ended with a phone conversation with my good friend Pete Donaldson from MIT, whom Laury also is interviewing about the web site, which MIT is sponsoring. Then to bed! I had wanted to watch Endgame on TV, but it was useless trying to stay awake.

It was a six-shirt night, which means many trips to the bathroom to make the changes, but I woke up feeling good anyway and went to Mimi's exercise class at 7:45 a.m. I stayed the whole time. I can't say I worked at the level of a couple of months ago, but at least I am doing it!

Today is a beautiful bright day, I have a smile on my face, and I hope to do some good work. And maybe we will get the report from Dr. Raza at St. Vincent's CCC and figure out where I go from here.

Love to all,
Bernice

Visitors from Rochester

Debbie Bloom and her son Josh (a senior at Buffalo State U.) had driven from Rochester to attend a family event on Long Island and stopped here on the way (well, actually, a bit past the way) Friday afternoon. Josh and Debbie are both very sweet people, lovely to be with.

Debbie's daughter Rebecca after graduating from college a couple of years ago went into the used book business. Her need for lots of books meshes very well with my wish to empty my shelves. After Debbie, Josh, and Merwin packed up quite a few, about 1 and 1/2 long shelves were empty. Their van was full, and they could take no more. At this rate it will take quite a while to empty all the shelves. Rebecca may come herself some time to pick up other books. Most of these were novels and poetry. The technical books on literature should go to a college library if any would want them. Probably not. It's more fuss for them to accept used books than just get new ones.

Anyway, I held up pretty well, though talking is a bit fatiguing, on top of the ordinary fatigue. After they left for their festivities, we went out for a snack for dinner, and then off to bed, as usual by 8 p.m.

It was a 5-shirt night, very wet. I do the changes almost automatically, as I may already have mentioned, hardly ever have to turn on the lights.

Today I went food shopping with Merwin (hooray, an outing!) and then made a recipe from the NYT on our return home. It's called "Sauteed wild Salmon with Brown Butter Cucumbers." I would copy it here, but I am not sure that it is legal to post someone else's recipe: is it? Anyway it took about 10 minutes to make and was quite good. I used wild arctic char, which is a little cheaper than wild salmon and tastes similar.If you do make this, use about 3 x as much fresh dill as called for.

Somehow, the energy flows in when I think of doing something new. That's a good thing.

More tomorrow.
Love to all,
Bernice

A good day all in all

Yesterday was a good day in that I went to another exercise class at the gym. Yay! I made it through the whole hour. Of course, it was a chair class, meant to be easier for seniors, but I felt good about it anyway. Mimi, the instructor of the regular class I used to go to (and will again!) on Mondays and Wednesdays, taught it well, really got us moving, up from the chair, down into the chair, weights, rings, bands--the whole works. I am even thinking about SPIN next Tues. My meniscus with its tears and my thumb with its tendonitus held up pretty well. Having p.vera and mf does not preclude other ailments!

Florence stopped over with a delicious compote that she makes, only for me she left out the sweetener. It was plenty sweet enough for my taste. She had fruit in her freezer that she wanted to use up, she said. Anyway, how nice to have the doorbell ring and Florence's sweet face greeting me with delicious gifts.

And on the work front, I had a really good idea, which I implemented. It required a bit of memory work, but I conquered the problem. The result, for anyone who cares to check it out, is a listing of sources for the writers of anonymous articles on Hamlet of course and can be found near the top of the alphabetical bibliography in hamletworks.org. What a relief to make this easy fix—easier than supplying names for all the anonymous authors myself; been there, done that.

I was hoping that we would hear from Dr. Raza, but she evidently had not completed her report about my visit on Wed. to St. Vincent's CCCC. I am eager to get started on anything that will help reduce the spleen size (5th month pregnancy size). A smaller spleen will make it easier for me to talk without coughing, help me breathe, and all sorts of good things.

More news when I have it.

Love to all,
Bernice

Getting away from myself

I promised a while ago that I would write something about two other books I have read and re-read by Ron McLarty. So people averse to book reviews can skip this page. The first book was The Memory of Running, very special to me in personal ways.

Traveler by Ron McLarty
I liked this book too, but I didn't write about it right away and thus the details are a little foggier. Writing is my main memory tool. The book is a murder mystery, but McLarty also exposes without solving the mysteries of the heart: the mystery of the murderer who couldn't help loving one failed human being; the mystery of those who care for others without reward; the mystery of motiveless evil. One of the most endearing aspects of the novel is the loving relationships of parents with their children's friends. I cannot really remember anything like the warmth that emanates from some of these good people coming from any of the parents of my friends. They were just there in the background. I think that as a parent I was no better. I liked the friends of my children when they were growing up, but I don't think that any of them would return to our home looking for affection and understanding.

Art in America by Ron McLarty

This book was wonderfully satisfying, mythic and realistic both at the same time. I liked the occasional typewriter-look typeface too.

There is a huge cast of characters, and they are characters in every sense of the word. I can see this book as a play or a pageant, which is a central feature of the novel—except it is too complex for any stage I can think of.

So much of Ron McLarty's writing is fabulous in the dictionary meaning of the term—not real, fable-like. Yet the people are believable, each with his or her own shtick. There are people almost too good to be true, and bad people who want to hurt others, and do, but there is a satisfying measure of retribution and forgiveness, a certain amount of change and a certain amount of staying the same.

The men and women are varied, each interesting in his or her own right, no matter how brief our encounter with them. Each with his or her own view of reality, which often is self-serving and faulty.

The satisfying arc of the story, from the near despair of Steven Kearney, would-be-published-but-ever-unpublished writer, to Steven Kearney, in love, successful writer of a huge drama of the history of a Western town. Steven Kearney, caught in his teens it seems (he says "Cool"), yet in his forties and without stability in his life, his work, his loves.

Here are some things that grabbed me: The lovely whoosh of the raft trip that begins the secondary plot, the fight of Ticky for his land and the right of Mountain Man to run rafting expeditions on Ticky's river. The satisfying growth of Mountain Man as a person. I just loved the know-it-alls on the raft, and MM's reaction to them.

The sheriff, Petey, his wife Vy, and his constant (mental) companion Reedy (dead but still there in Petey's mind), who always knows what to do. The continual, escalating distortion of Petey's killing of the Bonnie and Clyde type killers who would have killed him. His unerring ability to do the right thing, to defuse any situation.

The saintly ones: Minnie, Ticky's wife; Roarke, with the beautiful hands. The relationship between the author, Steven and Roarke, who comes to the rescue as director. The writer's complete confidence in Roarke's ability to bring out of the chaos of his work something smooth and understandable. Are there really directors who can do that? No matter. We believe in Roarke. The unpredictability of love: Steven falls in love withe the pageant's scene designer and after suspicion (why should he love a woman with one breast, a cancer survivor), she returns his love.

The book is full of Characters (again in every sense of the word), like Cowboy Bob, who is always spouting awful verse, a little short guy who likes to ride a big horse and thinks very highly of himself—and all in that neighborhood agree with him. Characters appear as they are needed and don't necessarily return.

Then there are The Evil Ones, the Libertarians, especially fat, rejected angry Sandy, and the punks out to destroy. And the professor who uses politics to get into his co-eds' pants. The book begins with a taxi knocking Stephen over, the taxi driver leaving when he realizes no one has seen the accident. That's the kind of casual evil that so much of the novel works against: that is, the evil is always there, but the good is there too, often (but not always) ready to break out when needed.

The book opens with a funny, sad record of all the plays, poems, epics, etc. that Kearney has written over many years, all rejected for publication. This record is a parody of McLarty's own effort to be published, which has happened suddenly. Now his books are published in dozens of languages. And the constant image of a good woman in the best sense of the word--fully independent, warm, giving, seems to be McLarty's tribute to his own lovely wife, Kate, an actress.

A delight.

Something more personal soon. I am thinking of these books especially now because we are planning to send the set to our friends Dave and Betty. He is recovering very very slowly from the concussion he suffered in an encounter between his bike and a dog a few days ago. He cannot speak, but was able to sing along with a speech therapist. He is not sure where he is or what he is doing there. Betty, with the help of her wonderful family, is holding up as well as she can. Having suffered a similarly disastrous concussion 3 years ago, she is not as frightened by Dave's symptoms as she might have been: she knows he will get better as she did.

Love to all,
Bernice

A bit of a bust

The long-awaited (actually only a little over two weeks) Bone Marrow Biopsy--BMB to those who “have to know about this”--did not come off today at St. Vincent's Comprehensive Cancer Care Center in NYC.

The trip into NYC wasn't a total disaster: Merwin and I had dinner last night at Szechuan Gourmet as planned — joined by granddaughter Michelle. I find that about 90 minutes is my max before fatigue sets in. So back the two of us went to the little apartment, wondering whether we would see workers on the scaffolding outside our windows, as we had when we arrived in the late afternoon, but they had long gone of course They had been very discreet, never glancing into our large 4th floor windows at us taking our afternoon naps on our bed/couch. We have a hugs blind, but love the view out of our window so much, day and especially night, we never use it. I wondered if we would see them again this morning, but we arose early enough to miss them, leaving the building at 9 a.m. for our 9:30 appointment. More subway adventures, but we don't need to hear about that now. It's all new to us, non-New-Yorkers that we are, and we enjoy the adventure.

At the hospital, after a wait, I had blood drawn, and after a much longer wait finally Edwidge came into the examining room I had been sent to (she is the P.T. who was to do the biopsy) unexpectedly accompanied by a serious-looking Dr. Raza. The bad news is that I cannot be in the phase 3 INCYTE trial, which is what I had been hoping. My platelets are too low and my white blood count is too high. She had thought that she could fudge a bit on the platelets, but they had gone down some more since the 1st visit and the INCYTE people running the trial are very strict. She will email us her report when she sends it to my own hematologist (“hem” for short), Dr. Kurzyna, in whose capable hands she is returning me for now.

Actually, she gave me three choices, but recommended the one that I will of course follow: thalidomide for 3 months to see if it works: it shrinks the spleen in about 30% of cases. Not such good odds. So I'll have more news about this tomorrow after I get a copy of her report. None of these treatments is more than palliative, of course, making life easier if not longer. But Dr. Raza thinks I am not near the bottom of the eventual slide. She thinks I can live, work, enjoy, and all the rest. If only I can overcome the fatigue, even a little; a smaller spleen, with less pressure on my lungs, would perhaps improve that situation.

Dr. Raza was happy to talk to me about Hamlet, which she loves. She reads all the major tragedies at least once a year. She loves Harold Bloom's work, and she knows him personally, because she has co-written a book called Epistemology and Literature (I think) with a Yale English professor. We promised to exchange books.

Nice to have a doc who loves Hamlet! Othello, though, is her favorite.

Fully exhausted with all the expectation and disappointments, we dashed off to Penn Station and home. Now it's nap time.

More tomorrow.

Love,

Bernice

Yesterday was good

I DID go to the exercise class and stayed for almost the whole time, doing everything a little less energetically than usual, but doing it! It felt so good. I had a smile on my face the whole time. My friends in the class were happy to see me, and I got lots of smiles and hugs. So healthful.

I have been reading mainly the NYT and The New Yorker; somehow a book seems too much of a commitment at the moment. An insightful and mind-opening article in the June 1st issue (yes, I am way behind) caught my attention. It is "The Cost Conundrum," by Atul Gawande, a doctor and an associate professor at Harvard Medical School and Harvard School of Public Health.

Dr. Gawande travelled all over the country, to the cities that spent the most on health care to those that spent the least. McAllen, Texas, which has beautiful, up-to-date hospitals, somehow manages to spend more than almost any community and yet comes out with some of the worst outcomes. How can that be? Gawande suggests that it is the fact that the costly effects of the fee-for-service setup is exacerbated there because the doctors own the MRI machines and all the other costly equipment--and they use it excessively. In his interviews with doctors there, they had no idea that what they were doing was costing so much and producing less-than-optimal results. They were all working hard, 12 hours a day.

The best results and the cheapest costs were in cities where doctors are on salary, and fee-for-service is not in place.

The article is well worth reading. Dr. Gawande suggested that it's not the insurance companies but the doctors' ownership of expensive equipment that they must then use that ratchets up the cost of medicine.

He made me think of my own internist, who is also a cardiologist (recently honored as one of the top cardiologists in the state in the New York Times. He has an x-ray machine. So I need an x-ray every year. Do I really? When he hears nothing untoward in my chest? I need an EKG every time I visit, even though two years ago the EKG did not reveal that I had blocked arteries. I had a little lump in my leg recently; so I needed a doppler scan (did I?), which he happens also to have available in his office. It turned out to be nothing, of course. So what is a patient to do? I trust my doc, and when he says I need something, I do it. He works as hard as those doctors do in Texas, 12 hours at least a day. But something is wrong with this picture. I don't want to blame the doctors, but perhaps it is the doctors-linked-to-equipment that is the issue?

I am looking forward to being in the City later today, meeting our granddaughter Michelle for dinner, probably at Szechuan Gourmet, my favorite neighborhood restaurant. Next time I write it will be after the BMB at St. Vincent's. I won't know anything for at least two weeks after that.

Love to all,
Bernice

Life's bucky horse

Yesterday we went to Boris Jakim's 60th birthday party. I was happy to be there, if only for a couple of hours. Fatigue set in, and I had to go home to rest.

This morning I received an email from a dear friend, Betty, who writes:

David (her husband) had a serious bike accident noon yesterday and is in the Presby ICU (in Pittsburgh). He was riding his challenging route in Highland Park when he had a bad fall involving a dog. Concussion, he understands us but can't speak. They did lots of procedures to assess the damage. Ken (their son) came right over and we went to the hosp. D. was stable at 10 p,m. Amy (their daughter) is coming Tues. evening.

This is more than terrible, because Betty has Parkinson's, suffered from a fall and concussion herself a couple of years ago that took her years to recover from. She needs Dave as much as I need Merwin.

We are (were) expecting these friends to visit us here on the last weekend of this month, but who knows now if that will happen.

It shows, of course, that it isn't only inner mechanisms, like cancer, that can throw you ("Life's Bucky horse" as one writer puts it): we're always fragile and vulnerable. I pray for Dave, Betty and family.

I was thinking of writing today about letting myself go. I got up in the middle of the night to have a snack and to read. I have never done this before. Eating in the middle of the night! I have this "What the hell, why not," attitude. Don't feel any real need to get a mammogram either, or get my teeth cleaned. This is a kind of fatalism that I would like to curb right now in myself. On the other hand, I fully intend to get my wonderful haircut from my dear friend Paul, an excellent craftsman of the scissors!

Anyway, maybe the snack did me good because I woke up feeling ready--Yes!--to go back to my Monday a.m. class at the gym. I hope this lasts long enough for me to get there by 7:40 a.m. Often I wake up feeling really great, totally myself, and then down I go quickly. But I am not going to eat breakfast (I never do before exercise), and will have a cup of coffee, as I always did.

The days are getting short to the big BMB event: tomorrow we go into the City to be there overnight, ready to go to St. Vincent's for the BMB on Wed. morning. I know that INCYTE if it works will only be a palliative, not a cure, but having a smaller spleen, being able to breathe freely, talk without coughing--all those little things will make life easier.

In the meantime, I have finished the essay I was working on and am close to sending it out to a journal, and I have returned to Measure for Measure, which I will edit with my dear friend Laury if all goes well.

More later,
Bernice

Easy recipes

I have always enjoyed cooking, but the days of really complicated dishes are long gone. Now the easier the better. Sometimes I look back into my repertoire for the good ones; sometimes I make them up (with some failures and some successes). Here are three I have made recently:

1.Baked Eggs and Cheese

This is a recipe brought to the USA from England by my dear mother-in-law Mina, who had it from her grandmother.

Preheat oven to 350

You decide how many you want to serve, from two to thirty and choose a casserole dish to suit. Smear it with a little butter.
Break each egg carefully into a small dish to make sure it is all right and keeping the yoke intact slip it into the prepared casserole.
Add as much good cheddar cheese as you would like; the cheesier the better for us.
Sprinkle with a little black pepper and some half and half. I don't measure anything. It works with no half and half, as I discovered recently when I had none.

Slip uncovered into pre-heated oven. Keep an eye on it. More baking and all the yolks will be hard. Less and some or all will be soft. We like a nice brown crust on the top.

Those who don't do egg yolks can eat just the whites and the cheese.

In our little apartment, I use a microwave. Not that I would recommend that in general, but the eggs and cheese I made the other day came out fine:

5 eggs, a good amount of cheese, and no cream microwaved for about 7 minutes. Check for doneness.

2. Apple compote

This is a microwave recipe. No sugar, no flour. Cut up as many apples as will fit nicely into a microwavable dish: I use the lovely one we got from the Willemses, which is oven proof, microwavable and dishwasher safe as well as beautiful. Sprinkle the fruit with lots of plain cinnamon powder (no sugar) and sprinkle with sugar-free vanilla. Our son Dave makes me vanilla will beans and vodka: delicious. Cover thoroughly with waxed paper, and make a slit at the top for steam. In our little microwave oven 10 minutes works well. Allow to cool and serve with 0% fat Fage yogurt if you wish. You can use other fruit as well: I have added grapes, pears, whatever is on hand, as long as the main fruit is apple.


3. Here's one I made up recently. Eggplant and tomato stew

Eggplant: choose a light weight one so the seeds won't be fully developed (seeds are bitter).
Chop as much onion as you want and saute on low flame in olive oil until very soft in a large frying pan. I put the burner on low and let the onions almost melt (not brown). It takes a long time. Perhaps 45 minutes. Garlic is fine too, at the same time, as much as you like. When the onions and garlic are soft, chop up the eggplant, skin and all. The pieces should be quite small. Place on top of the onions. Cover. After that cooks down a while, add sliced fresh tomatoes, as many as you want. A dash of oregano is good too. And pepper if you like. Cook on low, covered, until the tomatoes and eggplant are quite well done. You can mix all together at this point--or not. And serve with grated cheese. Goes well on top of noodles or rice too.

Ok, that's all the recipes I have at the top of my mind. A recent effort to make baked eggplant parmigiana was OK, but not worth making again.

And so it goes.

Love to all,
Bernice

The good and the bad go together

Two days in NYC:

These were the best of days; they were the worst of days—-best because they worked out pretty much as planned. I ordered books at the NYPL (the main librsry on 42nd St.) on Thurs. and found that some books I had ordered last week were waiting for me as well. Joy! It's amazing how this lifts my spirit: I can work, at least a little. On Friday, Merwin carried my computer to the Allen Room where I work so I would not have to do the heavy lifting, and he made some xerox copies for me to minimize my treks in this huge space. Both days, I was able to accomplish what I planned, though slowly. Also wonderful was dinner Thursday night with cousins Sylvia and Marty, and our granddaughter Rachael was free to join us—-a real treat because her work as a cinematographer (to give it its highfaluting name) often has her working night and day. Merwin and I topped off the morning on Friday with a lunch date with a long-time friend, who told us her wonderful story about connecting with her step-brother whom she had last seen when he was six months old. He is married to a wonderful woman and has two daughters. So suddenly, from being an only child of a divorced mother, she is the sister and aunt of a whole crew. One can only imagine the joy this new relationship can bring.

Those were the good parts.

The worst parts were the sudden onslaught of fatigue, mind-numbing, incapacitating fatigue, that does not lead to restful sleep. I had to leave the dinner on Thursday night early to get back to our apartment before I collapsed, a state I felt was imminent. After about two hours of rest, that stage ended and I could actually begin to think of sleep. Except for the night sweats and the cramps in my feet. The worst is disturbing Merwin all night long as I tried walking around to relieve the cramps. OK, morning, a shower, a nice breakfast, and I was ready to work in the library again, but after lunch and as we dashed to the train to get back to Glen Head, I began to feel that same fatigue. I am OK again now, ready to watch a movie with Merwin.

I am trying hard to focus on the many good moments and maximize their effects on my spirits.

Writing always helps to put things in perspective.

Better days are coming! Only 5 days to the BMB at St. Vincent's, to be followed by a decision.

Love to all,
Bernice

Getting to NYC

I am determined to get to the NYPL today. Merwin has offered to come with me, to help me on the train and subway. Walking up those stairs will be my exercise for the day--plus the walking I do in that big library. I need that. Yesterday I took a walk around a very hilly block in our neighborhood: a couple of months ago this would have been nothing, but it had me huffing and puffing and wondering if I would make it. I almost stopped at the Martins' condo, at the top of the hill, for a rest. But I persevered.

Today I will probably just order some books, which will be on my shelf for a good day's work tomorrow. Then a rest in the apartment and then dinner tonight with, perhaps, a granddaughter or our cousin Sylvia. But I can write about today's events tomorrow.

For now, I am aware that the clothes issue is getting more serious. The spleen is about the size of a 5 months' pregnancy. Though I am losing weight--actually bobbling up and down around 110-112--and my clothes should be loose, the spleen interferes with buttoning my jeans.

More tomorrow!

recovering from the blahs

Well, yesterday was one of those days. I had nothing specifically planned, and I wonder if that is the reason I was so "under the weather" all day. Maybe when I expect company, or have something planned, I rise to the occasion? In any case, yesterday was a day spent almost entirely in bed. I finally got a little work done towards the end of the day.

Of course as Merwin pointed out I also spent a lot of time in the kitchen (making a mess for him to clean up). Baked eggplant with cheese, broccoli rabe, and later for supper a noodle, beans and sauce concoction, put together in about 10 minutes thanks to frozen and canned supplies.

I have to remember that just because I have a blood condition, that doesn't mean that I can't also develop other nasty little ailments, to whit: As I suspected, I have a hernia just below my breast bone. I noticed that it pops every time I cough, and I cough whenever I try to talk (Doc says I have a post-nasal drip). Nothing to do about it; it doesn't hurt. And the severe pain in my thumb joint turns out to be tendinitis, for which a shot is recommended. I am going to study the Internet to see what I can do to improve that before the 1st appointment I could get with the hand specialist (Nov. 3rd!). In the meantime, I can't open a jar or twist anything with my right hand. And there is the fatigue and the itching that do go with the "condition."

The itching is up because my white blood count is so high, well over 10x the norm. I am trying a new itching med today and hope it works. I saw my darling hem. (Dr. Kurzyna) yesterday afternoon for the last time in a while because she has now turned me over to Dr. Raza at St. Vincent's. In a week I will have the BMB there--and then--whoopie--maybe good meds to improve my condition.

In the meantime, the HU that can lower the WBC also lowers the platelets, and they are way too low for comfort.

Oh well, enough whining. The sun is shining. I have my work at my side, and I am hopeful that today will be a good day. Tomorrow I hope to go to the City and have fun!

Fond regards to all.

Reading McLarty

I wrote these comments a while ago when I first read The Memory of Running: I liked it so much that I read it all over again after reading it once, and I wrote to the author to share my thoughts about it:

In no particular order, the first pleasure was the recognition of place. My sister and her family lived in Barrington, R. I. for many years: she died there and she and her two children are buried there, in the town cemetery, a stone's throw from the beach. You mentioned so many streets, roads and areas I know, where I ran miles and miles, and you made them come alive for me again. You touched me in many personal ways. My sister's son, like Bethany, was a victim of mental illness and died in California, and Merwin and I traveled there to help celebrate his life at the center that had tried to help him recover.

I loved the structure of the novel, the travel, Smithy's (Hook's) growth from obesity to knowledge, the fishing, the baseball (and the way it shaped Smithy's family life), the deaths and how people recover from them. Your novel recalled to me Simplicius Simplicissimus, the 17th century German picaresque novel, which I read as an adult when I returned to college many years ago. The frustration of Hook's not being able to defend himself, to explain himself, to people in authority who always suspected the worst, his finally succeeding in doing so near the end of the book, his fixation on breasts but his sexual shyness. The satisfying structure, knowing that Norma was always going to be there and would be in reality at the close. The characters with a shtick, like the dirty jokes that Uncle Count can't help telling, the refreshing goodness of some people, the losses that people suffer, the many voices you let us hear. All these nuances made for a most important experience for me. Thank you so much. I am looking forward to Traveler and Art in America.

I read the next two books soon after and will write about them in another post. They were both wonderful in their own way. I also was moved to read Joseph Andrews as another example of a picaresque novel with good and misunderstood characters. McLarty is much better! Well, what can we expect: Fielding began the genre in English; McLarty perfects it.

The day began like most others: after a three-shirt night (night sweats), I got up feeling energetic, thinking of SPIN, the class I enjoyed so much up through Labor Day, but soon enough the usual fatigue takes over. I am smiling though. I am surrounded at my desk with materials for the essay I am writing, and I am happy about it.

Later,
Love to all,
Bernice

breakfast with Karen

I am excited about having a guest for breakfast this morning.Karen Strr is coming at 10:00, and I am in the process of concocting something. I made an apple/pear compote with cinnamon snf Dave's excellent vanilla. No sugar. Pop in the micro for 10 minutes and it's ready to eat when it cools off. I am going to serve it with yogurt along with baked eggs and cheese (eggbeaters mostly) and mini bagels. Probably too much, but Karen and I can choose what we want: leftovers are always useful.

I am feeling good about the two essays I am working on. My dear freinds Michèle and Raymond Willems helped by reading one and offering advice abut a truculent last sentence. I think this essay is almost ready to submit. It's for a conference in France in the spring, and Michèle has agreed to read it for me. Unless a miracle happens with INCYTE and I can actually think of traveling!

More tomorrow,
Bernice

morning blahs

Until Labor Day weekend, when I tore my meniscus in a couple of places (according to an MRI I had later), I was exercising 6 days a week. At the same time it seemed my p.vera condition also reached a low point. I was and am tired almost all the time. People on the list advise forcing oneself to do some exercise, and I have, but very little compared to what I was doing just weeks ago. It's a huge change for me. I am going to continue to try going to the JCC and walking around the neighborhood when I can.

I am also trying to continue to write about Hamlet, working on the website hamletworks.org, for which I am, at present, coordinating editor, revising a couple of essays and doing other computer-passive things. I made it into NYC to work at the NYPL once last week, and I hope I can do that again this week. I can accomplish a lot there, because it is so close to our little place on 40th St., and I can return to the apartment to rest whenever I need to.

I was thinking of writing about books I have read recently, but I will start that in tomorrow's post. Mainly I read the Times and the New Yorker, but I have tried to pick up some novels, too.

Fondly,
Bernice

Starting a blog

I thought it might relieve my feelings and give me a chance to communicte with friends and others about the condition I am living with, p.vera, aka polycythemia vera, a blood "condition." I used to call it a condition, but now I am calling it by its current name "a cancer" of the blood. I ws diagnosed quite by accident in 2003, and the news floored me at the time. But with the help of the MPD list and others, especially my dear husband, Merwin, who also has a similar blood cancer, called ET, I am learning to live while I can and not worry too much about the final outcome, which is the same for all.

I am now old enough to feel I have lived a full life whatever happens. I will be writing regularly, I hope--more to relieve my own feelings and keep track of how my head works with what I have than to write an actual history.

If anyone reads this, I hope it can help them whatever they are struggling with.

Until next time,
Bernice