Losses and Gains

Dear family and friends,

Betty Mosedale wrote me this morning to let me know that her husband John had died. The expected event was peaceful. John is a model for me because in spite of the awareness of the endgame, he had tremendous enthusiasm for ideas, for life, for Hamlet, especially, and for anything intellectual in general, and he refused to face a day without joy. The last communication I had from John himself came a few days ago, asking me to send him my Columbia Seminar paper and also a DVD of a favorite actor discussing Hamlet. Merwin was able to make the DVD for him in time for him and Betty to enjoy it, but he never got to the paper: I think it is good to go with items still in the "IN" box.

A long time member of the Columbia Shakespeare Seminar, John would light up with joy when he and I discussed a book, old or new, that we both appreciated. He was a “civilian” member in that he had never been a Shakespearean academic but a distinguished broadcast journalist. In that I felt a kinship with him because I had not studied Shakespeare as an undergraduate or graduate student but had come to it after a degree in medieval literature. So in a sense he and I were both self taught. The economics of joblessness at the time I received the PhD made me leave medieval literature and turn to a more available outlet for my teaching, research and enjoyment. Shakespeare films shaped my earliest passion for the plays, and the Shakespeare community welcomed me. Able to indulge his interest without concern for publishing or perishing, John had turned to Shakespeare out of sheer love. I will miss our talks and emails, but I won't forget the path he has laid out for me.

My day began with a return to SPIN. I didn't stay the whole time, only about 40 minutes, but I felt good about it. My PT had told me to remain sitting and hold my stomach in. I will be going to her later and will talk to her about little difficulties I am having with my left arm. I hope she can give me some advice. Randi greeted me with a kiss, and it was great to be there.

Yesterday I was able to do my PT exercises at home because Merwin took the main prop, the big red ball, to the JCC to get it filled with air. Today he'll put a hook in a beam so I can do a pull-down exercise with a band. Also, I have to learn how to start the JCC treadmill while walking backwards.

Most of the afternoon, it seems, was spent in Dr. Janus's waiting room. We don't mind the drive there and back because we listen to a talking book, but the wait there is tedious. I read the whole, admittedly paltry, NYT Magazine. But my news is good. The lungs are only slightly worse after the too-quick prednisone taper. I have recovered from the bad two or three days of last week when I went down too fast, evidently. It's such a mix: the lift I get from the drug and the danger of all the bad things it can cause. Dr. Janus ran through the list. Almost all of the effects can be perfectly normal; that is, they could happen without using the drug, so it's difficult to know what to blame for such things as the onset of diabetes or the growth of cataracts. Anyway, I have a new prescription for 2.5 mg pills that I can use to taper more slowly, from 35 to 32.5, and so on instead of 35 to 30, but I wont taper any more until after I return from Chicago on Easter Sunday. I want to be at my best for the conference, chipmunk cheeks be damned.

Lots to look forward to: work, play, family, music, all with loving Merwin at my side and wonderful visitors expected: tonight Arthur and Debbie.

Hope to hear from you soon and with special loving thoughts for dear friends in need of a big hug.
Love,
Bernice