Oh my goodness!

At Harvey and Sandy's house with no electricity because of the hurricane. Looks nice, of course. On the left of Sandy, her father, Murray and to her right, her brother Lawrence. Harvey is opposite her. Looks cozy enough. They had all gone to a wedding on Long Island and raced home to beat the hurricane.

Dear Friends and Family,

Sorry to have been silent for so long. Some of my readers have been worried about me. My only problem is my feet, which are numb and yet, strangely, also burn. I have had trouble using my laptop because my lap still has those lesions on my thighs, now diminishing. And sitting at the regular computer with my legs down is uncomfortable. It has a bar across the leg space so that a foot rest is not possible. We are making adjustments. No. 1: move the computer to the larger desk next to my computer desk. I will have to avoid the early morning hours, when sun streams onto that desk from a skylight but the sun will not be a problem because I no longer work from dawn to dusk. I can work in the midday. No. 2. Clear off the big desk so I can work there. Get RID of THINGS I haven't looked at it in many years. No. 3. Find some place to put the things I do want.

And I get distracted. I decided that the photos all over the study, including those on the two desks, could just as well go onto shelves in my bedroom, but first I had to remove books from the shelves. But after filling two plastic bags with books and managing to place only one photo in that space, I decided this was a no-win situation. When the writing group, Laury or anyone else comes by, I will ask them to look at the items in the two plastic bags and also on the shelves—and please TAKE! Yes, all the books are precious to me, and yes, they still have meaning for me, but I think I have to be satisfied with the mental picture. All this took me far from clearing the desk to my left as I type this. It will be a while till I can ask Merwin to move my computer there. And so it goes.

I find that if I push myself, or something pushes me, I feel much better. I am short of breath, but I am trying to work through it. Sonia won't be back here till next Thursday because she is spending a week with her husband's extended family in Canada, for a wedding. Most of all, aside from her company, which I enjoy so much, she pushes me and makes it possible for me to do my exercises, working against the weight she administers.

Signs of getting better: I have done some cooking, yesterday I made potato curry. Also, I have been going out more. Barbara came by after her classes on the 7th, and we had lunch together at Kiraku. I didn't write anything on the calendar for the 8th. On the 9th I pulled myself together, Merwin drove me to the Jolly Fisherman for about 3/4 of the Friday lunch session. I used the rolator for the long walk to the table, with Ilona's help: she happened o arrive just as I did. Walking with just the cane is no longer as steady as it was. That's OK. I will go from cane, to rolator, to wheelchair if that's necessary. I see many people doing this, and I will do it with a smile as they do.

On Friday I phoned Dr. K to tell her my ankles were swollen, though they had gotten better since the day before. She told me to come right in—after office hours, to check for cellulitis, which turned out to be negative. She told me she wants to see me once a month. I thought that since the bloods were drawn at home and the report was sent to her (and us) the next day, she didn't need to see me. Last month, it would have been hard for me to be in the car that long. Now I can do it, I guess. This Friday I had two outings in one day.

Saturday, Harvey and Sandy visited and took us to lunch at MP Taverna in Roslyn. That was a bit much—15 minutes driving each way and then over an hour in the restaurant. I was too tired afterward, but it was very nice, and I did recuperate quickly. They left for a party back in CT, so I could take to my bed. I like to keep chugging as long as I can and not a moment longer, but the end sometimes comes on pretty quickly. The time I allotted for the Jolly Fisherman had been just right (having the waiter pack my Orange Rouphy and my Boston Cream Pie dessert, both of which Merwin and I shared at another meal) because I collapsed into bed right after we got home—but not before! Sunday, Sylvia came with deli goodies for Merwin. She and I went for the de riguer walk and then she drove us to Rothcamps and to Youngs farms. She had just returned from Israel a day or so before and needed lots of vegetables. I was able to get some nice tomatoes and cucumbers. I did not linger. When we returned to #70, I went straight to bed and slept for two hours! That was a surprise. No matter how tired I feel, I rarely sleep during the day. Then I was energized in the evening—to make supper for Merwin and do some reading.

On Monday, big treat: Kathryn and Antonio came to visit and take us to lunch (at Kiraku, of course). Antonio is Kathryn's significant other, who lives in Trieste. He visits her; she visits him, and they have what looks like from the outside an ideal relationship. He was here for only a few days, perhaps eight, and they have many friends here—as well as Kathryn's sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren to occupy their time.

I better stop now. I have caught you up on the entire week, I think.

Love to all,
Bernice

Doing more

A recent ad in TLS for Eric's book on the storied (as he shows) First Folio and also the series he worked on with Jonathan Bate. How brilliant his career has been; I knew it when I asked him to join Nick, Hardin and me in creating the New Variorum Hamlet project. He had a temporary job, then, but his future was clear to many, including me. Come back, Eric!
E's beautiful family this summer in Vermont. I have never met the family, but have heard about
them over the years.

Dear friends and family,

I love it when the families of friends, especially fellow Shakespeare, become part of our lives. We had the pleasure of meeting Eric's wife and his children, visiting their beautiful homes in Orinda and London; I am sorry we no longer see them all. We enjoy the friendship of Jesús and his extended family: we've been in Spain; they've been here—of the Willems and, by proxy, their children and grandchildren—of Nick and his wife Chrissy, so hospitable to us in Vermont—to Hardin and Amy, whom we have enjoyed seeing in many venues. And that's just part of the New Variorum connection. There are so many more, the thought of whom bring a smile to my face.

In spite of difficulties.

We found from my CT-Scan that my lungs had been invaded by

Extramedullary hematopoiesis, as Wikipedia describes it “a condition frequently associated with pathologic processes. For example, it can be caused by myelofibrosis,” which is what I have. As I understand it, my body, both the red circle blotches on my legs (and arms) and this development in my lungs, is trying very hard to compensate for my bone marrow's failures. Breathing is hard.

But I have more energy to do things; I made spinach pancakes this morning. Sat on my red stool chair at the counter, chopped fresh spinach, mixed in eggs and egg whites to completely moisten and more, and about 1/2 C grated Gruyere cheese to absorb some of the egg. I made pancakes until all the spinach was used up. I have not been able to do such a chore for about a month, since returning from the hospital with the infection I caught there. But my plan to move on to hamletworks.org is frustrated by the fatigue caused most likely by my breathing problem. I am heartened by the fact that at least I want to turn to the works on my desk, ignored for so long. Tomorrow I need not cook anything (the fridge is full), and will try to do some NV work.

Yesterday, Merwin and Laury went to see "War Horse," the highly esteemed play at Lincoln Center. When I ordered the tickets, I was feeling up to such a jaunt, but not now. I need to be close to home. It's quite lovely that I enjoy their pleasure in the outing without feeling at all that I have missed something important. I was kept company for a while by my dear friend Phyllis, who took me for my walk: I dare not go alone around my little block; I am too shaky on my feet to do that. So I depend on the kindness of friends whom I commandeer to accompany me. Merwin can't do it because my pace makes his bad hip hurt.

On Friday, Cantor Eric came to visit. He accompanied me happily on my walk and then chatted with me (and Merwin when he arrived from his long walk at the water side) until I became too tired. I now sit with company in the living room, close to my bedroom, and, when I need to, I retreat.

Politics are still fascinating to me—and I enjoy Book TV and other programs on C-Span2. Merwin reads to me while I rest.

And so it goes. Ups and downs, mostly the inevitable slide. But I am still smiling. Daytime is good. Thinking of all of you is good.

Love to all,

Bernice

Hooray! We've got power

Dear Friends and Family,

Just a brief note to tell you that our power came on late last night. What a relief. We did OK. Merwin got the car out of the garage by returning to manual, so he could go out, and Dave came over with food that doesn't need to be refrigerated. Yesterday he brought me some noodles and veggies. We also went to the very crowded local diner once.

Yesterday, Tuesday Sonia came as usual and put me through my exercises, more than usual. I know I have to try to be strong enough to rise from my seat. She is wonderful. Just pitches in and tidies up everything. And yesterday was Laura's our oldest grandchild's birthday: 28. We left her a phone message.

Without TV Merwin and I have been doing a lot of reading, and he has read to me from the NYT and the New Yorker. He also has regaled me with memories of his childhood games on the street with the guys in Buffalo. We had no phone service and our cell phones were very shaky.

So now we're back. I am going to look at the email and try to answer everyone. Please let me know that you are safe and secure. Nick?

Love to all,
Bernice

Up, down and sideways

Above is my dear almost-daughter Dawn and below is the latest plague to hit, blotches on my thighs, both legs, front and back: do I feel a bit like Job? If anyone out there has any idea what this is, let me know. It stumped both my oncologist and dermatologist.

Dear Friends and Family,

I am not sure how long I can keep blogging. It's hard to type correctly, but I will go on as long as I can. It is, after all, the easiest way for me to communicate with my family and friends. Talking can be hard.

Hooray! We survived an earthquake, one strong enough to damage buildings (including the Washington Monument and Washington Catherdral spires). I was lying in bed, Merwin was reading to me, and all at once the bed began to move! No it wasn't Merwin; it was the earthquake. Above me, the hanging x-ray tube swayed back and forth, long after the bed stopped. So on with the TV where we found out the details, which you probably know too.

Florence and David dropped by with a lovely dish of mushrooms. They have been very busy with family, so it is really nice of them to spend some time with us. Thy didn't even notice the earthquake—she was in car and he was banging out music at home.

Dawn came over yesterday with food she had prepared, lovely salmon, salsa, mushrooms. I had a half a piece for supper and the rest for breakfast this morning. I asked her to take me to Caggiano’s. which she did happily. It's an easy place to shop and close to our house. She helped me into the store and then I could push the cart. I got 16 slices of fried eggplant from the deli counter and some other items from the fridge and freezer, about 6 in all. Fast in, fast out, and then I was ready to rest. Dawn helped me pack the eggplant slices for the freezer, and now I feel comfortably well stocked for easy, fast meals. The skirt Dawn is wearing so attractively is one I was happy to give her, one I have had for over 30 years: it's an antique! But on her it looks fresh and new.

This was Merwin's 2nd earthquake, my first. His was in L.A., and from where he was, in a hotel at 5 a.m. he felt the swaying, contacted the desk and asked: was that an earthquake: nonchalant answer: Yeah, probably, we have them all the time. No one else had stirred, so he started his shower. Urgent knocking at the door: Shelley, his partner. Earthquake, buildings down, the phone lines will be clogged. Shelley says that he called the office and told them to phone our wives to tell them "We are all right." So I bounced out of my class at Queens College and into the office to hear, “Bernice, there's a message for you: ‘your husband is all right.‘” My husband is all right! What's wrong?” We had a laugh about that later, but at the time, it was a little scary.

Today, I felt like tackling the Macbeth chapter, especially since Laury was stopping over. I want to make it a smashing lead to the next section. When the New Variorum Macbeth told me that my friend John Payne Collier had discovered the ms. with Simon Forman’s eye-witness account, my antennae went up. Could he? Did he? Laury came by just in time to check the Freemans’ book on Collier to see what they say. Nada. But how can anyone trust Collier about anything?

Funny dialogue: Merwin: let me help you get up the four steps to the bedroom.
Me. OK, push the bottom of my bottom.
He pushes, I rise, singing, “Your love is lifting me higher than I ever have been lifted before . . .
Merwin: stop, you're cracking me up.

And so we have our interludes of fun and games.

More anon,
Love,
Bernice

up a bit

Brian, eager eater at the top, digesting at the bottom, being fed by grandfather Elliott or grandmother Toby, who were babysitting in Boston.

Dear friends and family,

Better today. I am going for a CT-Scan of my chest this morning, and maybe something will be found to help me. Many loving friends have sent messages of concern and hope. Please don't worry about me. I am happy. Brian makes me smile from ear to ear.

The last two days were spent mostly in bed, watching movies. Dear Merwin made me a delicious dinner—noodles (prepared by Sonia for the week) with butter and cheese and pepper. Perfect. And he made his own dinner, with a little suggestion from me to spice it up—slices of French bread from the freezer from a batch I had made quite a while ago, with an egg on top. We enjoy each other's company. He's taken to reading to me, usually the Op-Ed columns, or something from The New Yorker. We recently enjoyed Stephen Greenblatt's essay there.

Dave always calls or stops by to see how I am. It's good to have him close by.

Many thanks to all; it is wonderful to know there are caring friends out there, and of course my family is ever present.

Love,
Bernice

sinking

My friends and colleagues in Prague, toasting me! Alan, Nick, Hardin.

Dear Friends and Family,

I am not sure how long I can continue the blog. My energy level is sinking. Merwin reminds me that I have had downs before, but this one does feel terminal. I am ready. In any case, I still love the flowers and trees around me. I try to go for a walk each day, a little one around the block, and I even climb up on my stationary bicycle and do a few slow minutes.

My news: On Monday, Hedda brought lunch, which turned out to be our supper too. On Tuesday the Dzens came over with pizza, from Abeetza Pizza. On Wednesday, Kathryn came with the sesame noodles I requested—a huge quantity enough for a week. Delicious. She went for a walk with me and also went to Kiraku to pick up our lunch; the restaurant mixed up our order and to Kathryn they didn't seem to be contrite. I mean to phone them to complain. The company is even more important than the meals—though the meals are certainly helpful in these days of low energy.

Sonia put me through my paces on Tuesday, a walk and exercises, then massage; same on Thursday. I don't know what I would do without her. She cheers me up and makes me feel stronger. She made a salmon loaf under my direction and got quite excited about it for herself. It's low fat, which is what she wants.

This was our recipe: Preheat oven to 350. Mix together 1 can of salmon, not drained, and 1 can of tuna, drained. Crumble thoroughly. Add 1/2 C of my homemade bread crumbs (more would have been better), 1/2 C of very finely cut onion, parsley from the freezer (could have used more), 2 eggs (1 egg might have been better), pepper. After blending all thoroughly to crush any lumps, pour into loaf pan and bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes. Check if the loaf is firm to the touch. If not yet firm, continue baking. Ours took 35-40 minutes in our little convection oven. Merwin and I like to eat it cold, sliced in sandwiches.

This is all I can say for now. I'll try to write again.

Love to all,
Bernice

Up and Down

This is a tiny photo of another branch of our family, on my father's side. You will need a magnifying glass to view it, I think.

Dear Friends and Family,,

My energy level just isn't good yet, so I will keep this short. Yesterday, in pouring rain, Dave went shopping for us again, and when he got to the house he not only tidied up the kitchen and washed the pots in the sink, but made us a delicious lunch, sauteed mushrooms with onions and garlic on ciabata roll, with sliced tomatoes. I ate too much; I must stop before I am full. Merwin stopped in time and ate the second half for dinner!

I rode for stationery bicycle for about 20 minutes: that made me feel good. Otherwise, I rested and even slept in the afternoon, a rarity.

I finished the prednizone, but do not feel the promised surge in energy, For the first time since Sonia taught how to get up from a seated position, I couldn't do it without Merwin's help. More practice needed. Enough of this.

Merwin and I had a lovely iChat with Michèle and Raymond, who just came back from a vacation in Perros, with visits from the children and grandchildren. We have lots to talk about and an hour goes by very quickly, So delightful to have this connection with our dear French. friends. The New Yorker had an article I enjoyed about Elisabeth Badinter, a French intellectual. I don't know if there is anyone similar in the USA. Merwin will be scanning and emailing this to them.

As usual, our sons weigh in. A pleasure to feel their closeness. Friends, too, call to offer help.

Love,
Bernice